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But this is not the case in those cities served by community owned utilities. People in Los Angeles and other areas where the public still owns the energy have not experienced blackouts. Other states in the Southwest and Pacific Northwest have sufficient supplies of energy to have bailed much of California out of this recent crisis by providing almost 25 percent of its power.

While all of this Hollywood drama has been going on, junior and Uncle Dick have been seizing the moment to scare up public support to build more nuclear plants, burn more coal, drill for more oil. In other words, they want to make bad matters worse. Meanwhile, Bush has built a new home on his Texas ranch that is an environmentalist’s dream. It is fueled by solar energy, and its wastewater is recycled. And Cheney’s vice presidential residence is equipped with state-of-the-art energy conservation devices that were installed by the President-in Exile, Al Gore.

Clean, renewable energy is okay for them, but the rest of us get the message, loud and clear:

“LET THEM DRIVE MINIVANS!”

“LET THEM EAT BEEF!”

Chapter 6 Notes

6-122

How to Use Less Gas

• Hitchhike. It’s free; you get to meet new people and have interesting conversations. Bonus feature: strong likelihood of being featured (in a supporting role) on America’s Most Wanted or in a Lifetime “Woman in Danger” made-for-TV movie.

• Live in a city with mass transit. But please don’t come to New York City—it’s already way too crowded. Try another American city with extensive, dependable mass transit like ... like ... well ... oh, forget it, come to New York. I’ve got an extra room, you can stay with me.

• Siphon gas from cars parked at airport. They’re not going anywhere. It’s a shame to have all that gas just sitting there going to waste in these waste conscious times. Plus, it’s a safety hazard: just imagine what would happen if a plane were to crash into one of those airport parking lots with thousands of parked cars filled to the brim with highly explosive petrol. Just don’t swallow.

Drive behind large semi trucks so your wind drag is reduced. Highway safety experts may advise against this practice, but it works. You can put the car on cruise and just sit back and enjoy the scenery. Drawback: you may find yourself in a remote truck stop having the crap beaten out of you by a guy with a tattoo on his forehead that says “Itch Me.”

• Live in your office or place of work. Eliminates both the gas-guzzling commute and annoying monthly rent payments, Bonus: you’ll impress the boss by always being the first one in and the last to leave.

6-128

How to Survive Global Warming

• Identify common household objects that could serve as flotation devices once the ice caps melt. Give special attention to items made of synthetic materials, which tend to be extremely water resistant.

• Don’t forget to look outside, too—those waterproof chairs with built-in cup holders will float just as well in the ocean as in your backyard pool. Who says catastrophic polar meltdown can’t bee fun?

• Examine topographical maps of your area to determine highest elevation; map out quickest route there. Hold escape drills.

• Invest in Ziploc bags and those yellow waterproof cameras.

• Contact your local YMCA about swimming lessons. Take lessons. Now. Pay special attention to instructions for treading water.

• Change your vacation plans from Florida to Montana. Tell your kids to switch their spring break alcohol binge from Daytona Beach to Boise.

6-129

Things the South Was Right About

Just to balance my portrait of the South as a land of sweat-stained Klansters and latter-day corporate outposts, I’ve been asked to come up with a list of things we are thankful to the South for giving us. Here it is:

• Beef jerky

• Lemonade

• Fancy balls

• Good manners

• Country music

• Napping in hammocks

• Beauty queens

• Michael Jordan

• Wal-Mart

• Alligator wrestling

• Walt Disney World

6-130

How to Make Sure Your Drinking Water