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• Lobby Congress to make bottled water the nation’s Official Beverage.

Reroute and connect city water pipelines directly to the sources of spring water used by commercial bottlers. If that means running feeder pipelines under the Atlantic to tap into some pure alpine water, so be it. We ran a telephone cable under the ocean—surely we can lay a pipe beside it to quench our thirst.

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Other Water Additives I’d Like to See

The government currently adds fluoride to the water supply, while many fine companies make products that add caffeine, vitamins, fruit flavors, and microscopic disease-causing organisms to bottled water. But can’t they do better? Why stop with something the dentist says is good for you? Besides, there’s already fluoride in the toothpaste! Why not make water available in these popular flavors:

• Beef bouillon

• Tex-Mex

• Prozac-enhanced

• Spicy Cajun!

• Soy-based toffee

• Chunky-style tomato

• Cool Ranch (lite)

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Where’s the Beef? Nowhere!

How to Become a Hindu

Entering Hinduism has traditionally required little more than accepting and living according to Hindu beliefs. Among those beliefs is that the cow should be revered as a mother to all because of the nourishing milk it provides. Therefore slaughter of cows is sacrilegious. Generally, the steps to becoming a Hindu are:

• Join a Hindu worship community (you can find one near you at www.hindu.org/temples-ashrams/.

• Complete a course of study comparing Hinduism to other beliefs.

• Discuss your changed beliefs with representatives of your former faith, and if needed, obtain a letter of release from your former religious organization.

• Adopt a Hindu name at a name-giving ceremony.

• Run an announcement in a local newspaper for three days explaining that you have severed your ties with your former faith and have adopted a new name.

• Obtain a certificate testifying that an authorized Hindu priest has approved your entrance into the faith.

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Other Things I Have Eaten That Were Meant for Industrial Use

• Pop-Tarts

• Tab

• Mom’s meatloaf

• Tang

• Spam

• Hostess pink Sno Balls

• Stuff inside wax “lips”

• Airplane breakfast sausages

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George W.’s Ecologically Correct Texas Ranch

President Bush may not care about the rest of the environment, but his new Crawford, Texas, ranch is shockingly ecologically correct. The house features:

• Geothermal heating and cooling systems that use 25 percent of the electricity of traditional mechanisms.

• Water at a constant 67 degrees piped up from a source 300 feet below ground and through the house for cooling in the summer and heating in the winter. This same system heats the swimming pool.

• A 25,000-gallon cistern that collects house wastewater and rainwater for reuse in irrigating the gardens.

• Its own water purification system, which uses recycled household water to help restore native wildflowers and grasses on the property.

SEVEN

The End of Men

EARLIER THIS YEAR, my wife and I attended the baptism of our new nephew, Anthony. Our teenage daughter had been asked to be his godmother, a job that would require her to be there for little Anthony should he need to be burped, or raised Catholic, or both.

The baptism ceremony, we discovered, has changed a lot in the Catholic Church. Instead of just “hurry up and pour a little water on his forehead before we lose his soul to Satan,” the Church now makes it a joyful event during Sunday Mass.

About halfway through the service, Father Andy asked the entire extended family to gather round the big baptismal font while little Anthony Proffer was submerged in the holy water and then wrapped in a pure white garment. The priest then held Anthony up for all the congregation to see, and everyone in the church applauded enthusiastically.

No one was applauding louder than me.

For this was the first time in thirteen years a BOY had been born into our family.

Thirteen babies in thirteen years in our family. That’s eleven girls and two boys.

Now I think most of us would agree that having a girl is, well, a little