Stupid White Men-- and Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation! - Michael Moore [64]
In the past few centuries, things seem to have taken a fatal turn for our gender. As is our wont, we commenced work on a series of projects that stank everything up and made a mess of our world. Women? They deserve none of the blame. They continued to bring life into this world; we continued to destroy it whenever we could. How many women have come up with the idea of exterminating a whole race of people? None that I’ve met at the gym. How many women have spilled oil in the oceans, dumped toxins in our food supply, or insisted that the new SUV designs had to be bigger, bigger, BIGGER? Hmmm. Let me see....
Of the 816 species that have gone extinct since Columbus got lost and landed here (another man who wouldn’t ask for directions)—most of which are necessary links in our fragile ecosystem—how many do you think were eradicated by women? Once again, I think we all know the answer.
If you were Nature, how would you respond to such a brutal assault? And what would you do if you noticed that it was one particular gender of humans that was going out of its way to destroy you? Well, Mother Nature has a habit of cutting to the chase. She’d defend herself by any means necessary, that’s what she’d do. She’d pull out every stop to save her life, to survive at all costs, even if it meant eliminating one half of the very thing that was supposed to keep her most advanced species going.
Yes, Nature had graciously granted our species the highest form of intelligence and entrusted us with her future—but suddenly it looked like one of the genders had decided to throw the kegger of all keggers on Mother Earth’s watch. Now, hung over and cranky, Mother is pissed at whoever slipped the mickey in her drink.
The culprit has a receding hairline, a potbelly, and never screws the cap back onto anything.
Yup, guys, we’ve been fingered; there’s no way to hide from Nature’s wrath. We can’t pin any of this on the women: it wasn’t a woman who dropped napalm bombs, or who invented plastic, or who said, “Dammit, what we need is a beer can with a pop-to!” Unfortunately, every bit of plunder and pillage, every attack on the environment, everything that has brought horror and destruction to all that was once pure and good has come from hands that, well, when they aren’t busy bringing pleasure to oneself, are working overtime to wipe out this beautiful, wonderful home we were given free of charge—no security deposit required, no background check needed.
No wonder Nature is getting rid of us.
If we men had any sense, we’d try to get Nature to forgive us by cleaning up our act. You know, do the obvious stuff: quit desecrating the Arctic wilderness, pick up after ourselves, stop throwing Whopper remains out the car window.
Nature would probably put up with a lot of our guff if we still served some important purpose. For eons we had two things women didn’t have that made us a necessity: (1) we provided the sperm to keep the species going, and (2) we were able to reach and get whatever they needed off the top shelf.
Unfortunately for us, some traitor guy invented in vitro fertilization, which means that now females only need the sperm from a few of us in order to have babies. In fact someone (probably a woman) in Arizona has announced that science has found a means of human reproduction that doesn’t even require sperm to fertilize an egg—now they can do it with DNA. No longer do women have to crawl out from underneath some slobbering man with his
face buried in the pillow simply because they wish to have babies. All they need now is a test tube.
The other invention that did the male population in was the stepladder. The portable, easy-to-carry aluminum stepladder, to be precise. Who was the bastard that came up with that bright idea? Now what possible excuse can we have for sticking around?
Nature has a way of getting rid of its weakest links, those that no longer serve a useful purpose, the dead weight. That, my friends,