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• Men are three times more likely to die in an accident than women.

• Men are just not as smart as women: girls generally score higher than boys on the elementary school tests—and face it, we don’t get any smarter with age.

Perhaps there’s no logical explanation for this disparity. Maybe, as the nuns taught us, it’s just all part of God’s plan. But if that’s the case, why did God make women so much better? The nuns must have had the inside dope on this—after all, they were all women themselves. They knew God’s secret, and they certainly weren’t going to share it with the likes of me.

It is my belief—and this is purely from my personal observation of the woman I live with—that when God was creating the world, he spent the better part of Day Six creating what women would look like. I mean, you can’t help but notice the skillful craft of an artisan at the top of His field. The shapes, the curves, the symmetry, all constitute extraordinary art. Their skin is soft and smooth and perfect; their hair is rich and thick and vibrant. I am not speaking from a prurient perspective here—these are simply the conclusions of the art critic in me. Women—I think we all agree—are stunningly beautiful.

So what happened to God when it came to usP It’s like he used up all his best tricks inventing women. By the time he got to us, he was obviously ready to get it over with, move on to something more important, like that seventh day of rest.

So men ended up like Chevys, rushed off the assembly line and guaranteed to break down after limited use. That’s why we try to stay in our Naugahyde recliners as long as we can—the exertion required to pick up after ourselves can lead to an early coronary. Our bodies were built to lift, carry, haul, and throw, but for a limited time only. And, I have to say it, what’s with this extra thing we were given? Well, let me put this as delicately as possible: In God’s rush to finish up, it looks like he just grabbed a stray part he had lying around in the shop and stuck it on us—’cause it sure as hell don’t look right. If you took an item like this and glued it on to a lamppost or a tree, you’d say, “Naww, I don’t think so.” But nobody questions its presence on a guy. Like a creature from Alien reupholstered by Frank Purdue, the male organ is testimony to the fact that every now and again, as with the floods in Bangladesh or the teeth of the British, God just fails to get it right.

Saddled with the odds against us, some men have simply gone insane and taken to fighting back any way they can. If Nature is going to favor women, they figure, then they must take matters into their own hands. Their attitude: If we can’t beat ‘em, let’s beat’em.

These days, the tendency of men to injure, maim, or murder women is seen by most as “politically incorrect,” and laws have been strengthened to protect women from us. But as we know, laws are only made to exact punishment after a crime has been committed, Few laws have stopped those men who are intent on wreaking their vengeance on women. Women know all too well that 911 is only there to notify the police that they’d better bring a body bag and some strong cleanser to mop up the mess, because by the time they get there that restraining order the court issued to keep him away will be stuffed in her mouth and rigor mortis will be setting in nicely, thank you.

Men gifted with more subtlety often resort to means other than outright murder to even the score between men and women. For instance, the tobacco companies (all run by men) have been extremely successful in convincing women to smoke—at a time when the number of male smokers is declining. Thanks to all this new female smoking, lung cancer has now surpassed breast cancer as the leading cancer killer of women. Total number of women eliminated each year by smoking: 165,000!

Denial of treatment is another trick men employ in paring down the female population. If you need an organ transplant to stay alive, you’re 86 percent more likely to get it if