Stupid White Men-- and Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation! - Michael Moore [67]
Of course, when all else fails, you can also go back to murder. It usually works. A woman is five times more likely to be killed by a husband or boyfriend than a man is likely to be murdered by his wife or girlfriend.
Keep that up, and we might just make it after all.
HOW MEN CAN AVOID EXTINCTION
As bad as the future looks for us, there is some hope that we, as men, can delay our demise—if we learn to adopt some very important new behaviors. There are many things we can learn from women and how they function sanely. Here are a few:
1. Remember That Your Car Is Not a Weapon of Mass Destruction. Stop getting pissed off at that car that just cut you off. Why do you really care? You’re going to get home in the same amount of time anyway. So some jerk cost you four seconds on the road. Big deal! Get a grip. Women couldn’t care less about stuff like this, and they live longer for it. When they see an asshole on the road, they just shake their heads and laugh—and it works! Guys, we have got to relax. We’re damaging our hearts with every minute of uptight, tense, and angry behavior. Quit walking around like you’ve got a pineapple up your ass. Nothing matters THAT much. (Except a real pineapple. That would matter something awful.)
2. Lighten Up on the Food and Drink. We need to think more about what we put in our mouths. If you and I would eat less and drink less, we’d live a lot longer. When’s the last time you saw a woman pig out like it was her last meal? Sure, we’ve all seen women pound back the liquor, but how many females have you seen just drop their pants and start peeing on the curb? Why do you think so many of us men get colon and stomach cancer and liver disease? Because we can’t say no to Jack (Daniels) or Jim (Beam) or a pound and a half of half-cooked beef topped with fried onion rings, year-old jalapeños, and Tabasco sauce. There’s a reason you’ve never seen a woman take a newspaper into a bathroom. Get a clue!
3. Step Aside, You’ll Live Longer. Listen, why don’t we retire and let women run the world? Okay, so you don’t want women having power, because you’re a conservative redneck. But what would you say if I told you that letting them worry about building that nuclear plant in Bahrain, or declaring war against China, or finding a solution to the continuing abuse of the infield fly rule, would give us men eight more years of life? Let’s step aside and shut up! Is it that big a cheap thrill just to be “the boss” and have to deal with hundreds of employees and all their crap? Who needs it? Let’s back off, take a break, and let the women have this crazy unmanageable world for the next ten thousand years. Think of all the reading you’ll catch up on.
4. Wash Your Hands Across America. It’s time to wise up: our personal habits are so revolting it’s a wonder women are willing even to breathe the same air we do. If we men could only get our act together and change a few simple things, we’d immediately score more empathy and companionship. For starters, we should keep our hands where they belong. They weren’t intended to be used in nostrils, anuses, ears, or navels. They were not designed to tear out articles from the newspaper before she has a chance to read it, or to pick a loose piece of kielbasa skin from between your teeth, or to sandpaper that patch of dandruff on your head. Stop checking (and adjusting) your crotch in public—nothing has disappeared since your last inventory, roughly a minute ago. Keep your legs together, so you don’t take up three seats on buses and trains. Wear underwear—preferably underwear that’s been washed this year, in a washing machine, with actual laundry soap.
5. Learn How a Toilet Seat Works. All right, boys, I thought for sure we’d be over this by now, but the foul evidence in airports and train stations and fast-food emporia