Stupid White Men-- and Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation! - Michael Moore [68]
• First, lift the movable oval cover into an upright position. Then lift the movable oval seat beneath it into an upright position. They will both automatically lock into place. That’s so you can use both hands. It’s just like steering a car. You wouldn’t want the car to go off the road, would you? Fine, and the women in your house feel the same way about your piss all over the wallpaper,.
• Aim, hold, release, return to pants.
• Take one hand and gently return oval seat and its top to their lowered positions. No audible sound of the seat hitting the ceramic bowl should be heard.
• Grasp the little silver handle at left and FLUSH. (This is not optional, even in a public restroom.) If the first flush doesn’t take, you may not leave the scene: stay there till you’re looking at a clean bowl.
• Wash hands. Dry them on the towels provided, not the shirt you’re wearing. Throw the paper towel into the trash receptacle—or, if the towel is made of cloth, place it back on towel rack (usually a metal or plastic rod protruding from the wall near the sink). If you’re in your own home, put the cloth towel into the laundry at least once a week. Wash. Return to bathroom.
6. Bathe Daily. Throwing some water in your face to wake up in the morning does not constitute bathing. Neither does being doused with a Heineken at a party the night before. Step into the tub. Turn handle halfway between HOT and COLD. Lift stem on faucet to create shower effect. Take bar of soap and washcloth and scrub all areas of the body. Do NOT place the bar of soap in body cavities to “get them extra clean.” Someone else has to use that bar of soap on her face. Rinse. When finished, leave shower area and dry off, creating as little a water trail as possible.
7. Tone It Down. Lower your voice. Try listening. Here’s how it works: When someone else is talking, pay close attention to what they are saying. Maintain eye contact. Do not interrupt. When he or she is finished, pause and reflect on what was said. Try saying nothing at all. Notice how what you have heard is stimulating thoughts, concepts, feelings, and ideas in your head. This may lead to something brilliant. You will then be able to take those ideas, claim them as yours, and become famous!
8. Get Your Hearing Checked. If the above doesn’t work, there may be something physically wrong with you. May is National Better Health and Speech Month; many hospitals and community groups offer free screening for hearing loss. Check your local newspaper for announcements of free hearing tests in your area. In addition, most hospitals offer periodic free hearing tests throughout the year. You can also find on-line quizzes to help you determine if you should seek a professional hearing evaluation. One such test can be found at: health.aol.thriveonline.oxygen.com/medical/wgames/gen/health.hearing.html.
9. Know That Women Are onto Us. Cut out the sensitive-man crap. They know the drill. Don’t try convincing anyone you’re a “feminist.” You don’t qualify: you play for the other team. It’s like a Klansman chanting, “KEEP HOPE ALIVE!” You are a specimen of the gender that will always make more money, that will always have the door swing open wide and far to wherever you want to go in life.
This does not mean you can’t help make things better. The best way to help women is to work on your fellow men. That’s where the real struggle is—getting enlightenment through the concrete block known as a man’s head.
Help end the wage gap by looking at your own paycheck. Make sure women doing the same job at work are getting paid the same as you. Participate in Equal Pay Day, usually held in early April on the day that marks the point in the new year when a woman has finally earned the wages paid to a man in a comparable job during the previous year. Contact fairplay@aol.com for more info.
And you can join in the effort to push Congress to pass two pieces of