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7-151

Mike’s Fantasy List of Women Presidents

• President Cynthia McKinney (the best person in Congress today)

• President Hillary Clinton (only if I could get invited for sleepovers)

• President Oprah (the fireside chats with Dr. Phil would save us all)

• President Katrina vanden Heuvel (editor of The Nation, a perfect candidate for president of the nation!)

• President Sherry Lansing (she runs Paramount Pictures; she put me in a picture; ‘nuff said)

• President Karen Duffy (correspondent for TV Nation; would ran circles around any foreign leader who dared to challenge her)

• President Caroline Kennedy (just because it would be right)

• President Bella Abzug (even dead she’d do better than junior)

• President Leigh Taylor-Young (the first naked woman I ever saw, in the movie The Big Bounce, also starring Ryan O’Neal. You see, there were like six of us guys, all sixteen years old, and we had snuck into the South Dort Drive-In, and ... oh, never mind.)

7-153

How to Survive Your Bed Being Set on Fire

• Get on the floor and crawl. Stay low.

• If you can, put a wet washcloth or towel over your face.

• Head in the direction where you believe the door is. Always feel the door before opening it. If it’s hot, DONT open it. Find another way out.

• If she’s locked all the doors, break a window and climb out.

• Always keep a fire extinguisher handy. Place it by the gun under your pillow if necessary. A fresh bucket of water nearby is also recommended.

• If you’ve been abusing your wife, it’s probably best to wear only fire-retardant pajamas to bed. They might just save your life.

• Call the local fire department and get your name placed on the special “bastard” list—the roster of local men who believe they stand the best chance of being eliminated by a’. loved one.” The fire department will then know exactly where you live and where your bedroom is.

EIGHT

We’re Number One!

THE HEADLINE COULD not have been clearer: “All Nations on Earth Sign Global Warming Agreement, U.S. Refuses.”

Yes, once again, the whole world hates our guts.

Boo hoo hoo. So what’s new?

We’re the country everyone loves to hate. And who can blame them? We obviously hate ourselves—how else can you explain “President” W”) In olden times, his head would already be adorning one of the bridges over the Potomac. Instead he prances around the world telling people he’s our “elected leader,” and we just look like ignoramuses and fools. The world is laughing at us, not with us.

How sad—after all, not too long ago things were looking up for us internationally for the first time in a long while. We successfully midwifed the first peace treaty in Northern Ireland. We got the warring factions in Israel and the Occupied Territories to sit down and chill out (and for the first time the Palestinians got some land of their own). We finally recognized the existence of Vietnam (though we still haven’t brought ourselves to apologize for killing three million of their people. I guess the Germans set the bar pretty high; we were just few million short). American pressure on South Africa had helped free Nelson Mandela, pushed the country toward democracy, resulting in Mandela’s election as president.

And finally, we returned a little boy to his father in Cuba marking the first time a bunch of crazy Miamians didn’t call the shots regarding our foreign policy in this hemisphere.

Yes, I have to say, things were looking pretty good for Uncle Sam in the eyes of the world—until this dolt, who we are told had never crossed an ocean in his life, took over the controls at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

In his first four months in office, here’s how George W. Bush dealt with the rest of the world:

• He reneged on our agreement with the European Community to cut our carbon dioxide emissions.

• He started a new Cold War, this time with China, over an American spy plane that knocked one of their planes out of the sky, killing the pilot.

• He