Stupid White Men-- and Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation! - Michael Moore [81]
Now that Kim is getting in the groove—and realizing, like me, that sitting in a dark theater watching all kinds of movies can be the road to peace and tranquillity (he allegedly had two film producers kidnapped from South Korea to make documentaries in North Korea)—I have a number of ideas that may help the wacky dictator save his country from total destruction:
• Watch better movies. Kim Jong Il has got to broaden himself past the porn and John Wayne. He once remarked that he was so moved by the performance of Leonardo DiCaprio that he “probably could not bear to watch Titanic a second time.” We understand, Here is the list of tapes I plan to send to him instead for his viewing pleasure:
Easy Rider—The first thing Dear Leader needs to do is loosen up. This movie ought to help.
200 Motels—If Dennis Hopper can’t do the trick, Frank Zappa will.
Dude, Where’s My Car?—All you need to know about America is contained in this movie.
My Dinner with Andre—Sure, it’s just two guys eating and talking for two hours, but at least he’ll get to see what a real meal looks like. The dinner conversation will help him refine his communication skills.
• Bring him to Hollywood for his own pitch meeting. He must have thousands of ideas for movies. One of them will surely be right for Rob Schneider. Tell the dictator we’ll get Tom Cruise to play him in his life story, Long, Jong Gone. Give him a first-look deal and a bungalow on the studio lot. Fill up his day with needless meetings with development executives and talent agents. That should keep him busy for a couple of years. By that time, North Korea should benefit from his absence and pull itself out of its slump.
• If all else fails, finance a theme park in Pyongyang. Theme parks always work. Even if they don’t restore an economy, at least they make people feel good. Especially Dear Leader’s “Dominican” son. And isn’t that what really matters? Make him assistant manager.
Chapter 8 notes
8-166
Typical Day in the Life of “President” George W. Bush
8:00 A.M.—The President of the United States (POTUS) rises, checks to see if he is still in White House.
8:30 A.M.—Breakfast in bed. Rumsfeld reads him horoscope and comic strips.
9:00 A.M.—“Co-President” Cheney stops by to help George get dressed, goes over situation in Yemen, reminds George to brush his teeth.
9:30 A.M.—POTUS arrives at Oval Office, greets secretary.
9:35 A.M.—POTUS leaves Oval, Office to go work out in White House gym.
11:00 A.M.—Massage and pedicure.
Noon—Lunch with Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig. Selig confirms still no jobs open in front office.
1:00 PM.—Nap.
2:30 PM.—Photo op with Little League “team of the day.”
3:00 PM.—POTUS back in Oval Office to discuss legislation with members of Congress.
3:05 PM.—Meeting adjourns; Congressmen tell press, “Meeting was very fruitful. The president told us to get some laws passed,’ and then he had us shag balls on the South Lawn.”
3: 10 PM.—Cheney briefs POTUS on energy policy, tells Junior Bush to “send thank-you notes” to heads of oil companies.
3:12 PM.—POTUS asks to see map of the world; seems surprised by “how big the world has gotten.”
3:40 PM.—POTUS has memorized all 191 capitals in less than half an hour.
3:44 PM.—Bush calls prime minister of Romania “just because I can“; challenges Romanian prime minister to name capital of Burma; prime minister cannot understand a word he is saying, as POTUS is speaking in Spanish.
3:58 PM.—POTUS accepts collect call from Austin jail. POTUS offspring being held for desecrating portrait of POTUS as governor that hangs in state capitol building. POTUS pretends he has a bad connection, impersonates voice of a Mexican woman who has “cut in” on