Stupid White Men-- and Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation! - Michael Moore [82]
4:00 P.M.—Work day ends; POTUS retires to living quarters for brief “catnap.”
6:00 PM.—State dinner with African heads of state. Tells Cheney he “can’t think about Africa right now—it’s the ‘Dark Continent,’ you know!” POTUS asks CoPresident to sit in for him.
6:05 PM.—POTUS goes for swim in White House pool.
7:00 PM.—Phone call to Laura at Texas ranch (“just checking in”).
7:02 PM.—POTUS goes to White House screening room; watches Dave (again); falls asleep.
8:30 P.M.—Cheney awakens POTUS, takes him to his room, tucks him in, says good night. Co-POTUS goes downstairs and resumes plotting destruction of Planet Earth.
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If you’re finding yourself in a massive fit of rage, and start itching to put this damn book down and contact your congressman/woman, then folks, do it. Call 202-224-3121 (the U.S. Capitol switchboard). You can find your representative’s E-mail address at www.senate.gov or www.house.gov Or send snail mail to: Office of Senator (NAME), U.S. Senate, Washington, DC 20510—or Office of Representative (NAME), U.S. House of Representatives, Washington, DC 20515. And for those of you trying to figure out who represents you, check out www.vote-smart.org and they’ll figure it out for you.
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Boris Yeltsin vs. the Bush Twins
We believe our Bush girls can outdrink and outsmart any of these Ruskies. Just compare their records:
BUSH TWINS: Caught drinking at Austin nightclub
YELTSIN: Caught drinking at G-7 meeting
BUSH TWINS: Got Secret Service to spring boyfriend from jail
YELTSIN: Got KGB to drive him to liquor store
BUSH TWINS: Arrested for using fake ID in order to drink
YELTSIN: Never arrested; uses fake excuses to drink
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Tourist Guide to Holy Land Hot Spots
LOCATION Tel Aviv
HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE On the outskirts of modem Tel Aviv is the ancient port of Jaffa, believed to be founded in the wake of the great flood by Noah’s son, Japheth, and site of the House of Simon the Tanner, traditionally believed to he where the Apostle Peter once stayed.
BLOODSHED 2001: 21 young Israelis killed and more than 100 injured by a Palestinian suicide bomber outside a beach front disco.
LOCATION Joseph’s Tomb, Nabulus/ Shechem
HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE Christians believe the tomb is where Joseph of Arimathea placed Jesus’ body after the Crucifbdon and where his resurrection occurred. Many Jews behove the tomb is that of Jacob’s son Joseph (with his Technicolor dreamcoat).
BLOODSHED 2000: Border Police Cpl. Yosef Madhat and Rabbi Binyamin Herting killed by Palestinians.
2000: A two-year-old Palestinian girl riding in the backseat of her parents’ car killed by bullets fired from the direction of a nearby Jewish settlement.
LOCATION Temple Mount. Jerusalem
HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE Main site of Islamic worship in Jerusalem. King David’s tomb, the site of the Last Supper, etc., nearby.
BLOODSHED 1990: 17 Palestinians killed by Israeli soldiers.
LOCATION Tomb of the Patriarchs,
HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE Sacred site for Christians, Muslims, and Jews.
BLOODSHED 1929: Arab massacre of the Jewish community.
LOCATION Hebron (also known as the Mosque of Machpelah)
HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE Believed to be where Abraham, his wife. Sarah, and their descendants Isaac and Jacob are buried.
BLOODSHED 1994: Jewish settler Baruch Goldstein murdered 29 Muslims worshiping in the Mosque.
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Twelve Steps for Recovery from Addiction to Violence in Yugoslavia
Frankly, you people haven’t got time for all twelve steps you’re dying out there. Try these three steps—and make it quick!
Admit that you are powerless over your addiction to violence, and that your lives have become unmanageable.
• Make a decision to turn your will and your lives over to the care of the United Nations, NATO, and any other organizations that stand between you and your Hatfield and McCoy-like compulsion for tribal warfare.
• Make direct amends to all persons you have harmed, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others (or when they,