Suckers - Jack Kilborn [1]
My name is Jeff Strand, and I write a comedy/thriller/horror series about Andrew Mayhem, a married father of two who always means well but doesn’t necessarily make the finest decisions 100% of the time. He’s been in three novels. People keep saying “When the hell are you going to write the fourth novel, you slacker?” and I keep taunting them with promises of Lost Homicidal Maniac (Answers to “Shirley”) but I have yet to deliver. It’s going to be cool, though. Andrew Mayhem loses another body part.
The Mayhem novels are legitimate blends of the humorous and the horrific—I try to make them as laugh-out-loud funny as possible while still maintaining a genuine sense of danger. The short stories, on the other hand, are much lighter and fluffier. Oh, sure, there’s still cannibalism and stuff, but they mostly just exist to put a goofy smile on your face.
“A Bit of Halloween Mayhem” was posted online (at the stroke of midnight!) as a promotion for the second novel, Single White Psychopath Seeks Same. “The Lost (For A Good Reason) Adventure of Andrew Mayhem” was published as a limited edition chapbook that was included with early orders for Casket For Sale (Only Used Once). Those babies are rare. In fact, the chapbook says how many copies are in existence, but that’s a vicious lie—the actual amount is maybe a third of that. I hope you didn’t lose your copy.
“Poor Career Choice” was written for These Guns For Hire, an anthology edited by that Joe Konrath guy. He promised that it would make me fabulously wealthy and gain me millions of new fans. I kind of figured that he was exaggerating, but nope, I’m typing this on a laptop made from unicorn horns, and those things are pricey. Thanks, Joe!
I would like to state for the record that I cannot freakin’ believe that Joe is including “The Necro File” in this collection. It’s one of the funniest stories I’ve ever read, but it makes Suckers look classy. And Suckers, as you’ll soon discover, is not classy.
That said, Suckers was a lot of fun to write. It was mostly an “I’ll write the Andrew Mayhem chapters; you write the Harry McGlade chapters” arrangement, but there was some definite spillover, and there are some parts in this story where I honestly can’t remember who wrote what. (And other parts where I remember exactly who wrote what, such as a scene involving Harry McGlade’s sexual prowess. That’s all Joe. When you get to that part, please whisper “Author J.A. Konrath wrote this, while author Jeff Strand stood back and shook his head sadly” to yourself, okay?)
Enjoy the mayhem, kiddies!
A Harry McGlade Mystery by JA Konrath
I was halfway through a meatball sandwich when a man came into my office and offered me money to steal a dog.
A lot of money.
“Are you an animal lover, Mr. McGlade?”
“Depends on the animal. And call me Harry.”
He offered his hand. I stuck out mine, and watched him frown when he noticed the marinara stains. He abruptly pulled back, reaching instead into the inner pocket of his blazer. The suit he wore was tailored and looked expensive, and his skin was tanned to a shade only money can buy.
“This is Marcus.” His hand extended again, holding a photograph. “He’s a Shar-pei.”
Marcus was one of those unfortunate Chinese wrinkle dogs, the kind that look like a great big raisin with fur. He was light brown, and his face had so many folds of skin that his eyes were completely covered.
I bet the poor pooch walked into a lot of walls.
“Cute,” I said, because the man wanted to hire me.
“Marcus is a champion show dog. He’s won four AKC competitions. Several judges have commented that he’s the finest example of the breed they’ve ever seen.”
I wanted to say something about Marcus needing a good starch and press, but instead inquired about the dog’s worth.
“With the winnings, and stud fees, he’s worth upwards of ten thousand dollars.”
I whistled. The dog was worth more than I was.
“So, what’s the deal, Mr…”
“Thorpe. Vincent Thorpe. I’m willing to double your usual fee if you can get him back.”
I took another bite of meatball, wiped