Summer Secrets - Barbara Freethy [105]
"Don't blame yourself," Caroline said. "I can see it in your eyes. You're feeling guilty."
"How can I not?"
"Because it's not your fault. It's mine. I'm the one who started drinking. I'm the one who has to stop. I let Dad get to me last night. He insisted on putting a beer in front of me, and, once I drank that, it was easy to keep going. I went over to Jake's later and downed a few more shots of tequila. Mike found me there and took me back to his boat, I was in no condition to go any farther. He didn't take advantage of me. He really has been a friend. But I feel like shit today with a god-awful hangover. It must be the result of a few weeks of clean living, because I haven't felt this bad in years."
"I'm glad you had someone to take care of you. I just wish you would have confided in me." Kate stood up and paced restlessly around the room. "I thought we were moving on, getting by, forgetting," she muttered, a thousand thoughts running through her mind so quickly they collided with one another. "But you were drinking, Dad was drinking, and Ashley was taking anxiety medication for panic attacks. I did this to us."
"No, you didn't."
"It was me. It was all me. Every last bit of it. I'm not keeping us together the way I promised Mom. I'm killing us off slowly but surely."
"Why is my drinking your fault?"
"Because it is."
"Doesn't that sound a little egotistical?"
Kate heard the words, but she ignored them. It didn't matter what Caroline said, whether or not she tried to take the blame. Maybe Kate hadn't forced Caroline to take a drink, but she'd given Caroline, Ashley, and even her father the need to find a way to escape.
And hadn't she done the same in her own way, turning a simple bookstore into fantasyland? Turning her back on the water, and all that had happened out there? Forcing everyone to keep the promise they'd made no matter what the personal cost?
"Stop it, Kate. Stop making this about you," Caroline said with irritation as she sat up on the bed. "It's about me. It's my problem. And I'll have to solve it myself."
"When is your next AA meeting? I'll go with you."
"Oh, sure, that's just what I want, strong, invincible Kate by my side, making me feel even more inadequate."
"I wouldn't do that," Kate said, feeling hurt.
Caroline made a face. "Dammit,. Kate, there you go again, making me feel guilty. I know it's not you. You can't help it that you're so good, so perfect. You can't help it that you're Daddy's favorite. Or even that you were Mom's favorite. After all, you're the one she asked to make a promise. Not me. Not Ashley."
"You were too young. So was Ashley," Kate said in astonishment, then she started to get mad, too. "Don't you realize how much responsibility comes with all this favoritism that you see? Don't you think I ever get tired of worrying about all of you? Because I do, Caroline. I'm only four years older than you, but sometimes I feel like I'm a hundred years older."
"I'm sorry," Caroline said.
"You should be." She paused. "We should call Ashley. She'll want to help."
Caroline rolled her eyes.
"What does that mean?" Kate asked.
"I think Ashley has her hands full at the moment. I saw her last night on the back of Sean's motorcycle."
Kate sank back down on the bed and met her sister's knowing eyes. "Oh, dear."
"I'm sure she won't say anything after all this time," Caroline offered halfheartedly.
Kate hoped Caroline was right, because she wasn't sure of anything anymore.
"Hello, Ashley. Can I come in?" Tyler asked, as Ashley opened her apartment door. Dressed in slim-fitting denim shorts and a sleeveless top, her long hair pulled back in a ponytail, Ashley looked young and pretty, full of life. In fact, there was a light in her eyes that Tyler didn't remember seeing before.
"What do you want?" she asked warily.
"A few minutes of your time."
She hesitated, then stepped aside. "All right."
He was surprised at the chaos in her small apartment.