Supercoach - Michael Neill [52]
Here are some simple exercises you can use to play with this on your own:
Listen to Language Literally
1. Go through each of the preceding examples and actually try them on with real situations in your life.
a. Is there anything you can’t see yourself doing that you might like to do? Go ahead and make a mental movie of yourself doing it until it seems “normal” and “natural.”
b. Are there any big problems in your life? Shrink them down and notice what new ideas come to mind!
2. Just for fun, listen to language literally this week. Notice how many times others are telling you exactly what is going on in their internal world.
3. If you’re up for a more interactive challenge, ask people what they’re seeing in their minds in relation to what they’re saying to you out loud.
While some people will wonder what you mean, most will simply tell you exactly how they’re representing their world inside their heads.
2. Listening to the Voice Inside Your
Head vs. Listening to the Other Person
Have you ever had your best “Go ahead, I’m listening” face on while inside your head you’re saying to yourself something like: “Oh my God, I can’t believe he’s telling me this for the nine-millionth time. Will he ever learn? What day is it today? Is it Tuesday? I wonder if there’ll be something good on television tonight . . . ?”
As you may have noticed, when we get caught up in our internal dialogue, we not only lose track of what another person is saying to us, we often lose the plot altogether. Yet most of us habitually go inside our heads while “listening” in order to formulate our response to what’s being said. This is roughly akin to looking for your keys inside the house instead of out in the street because the lighting’s better indoors. But if the keys are outside, you won’t find them on the inside, no matter how well illuminated things may appear.
While this may seem harmless enough in the moment, when it becomes habitual, it can be the beginning of the end for a great many relationships, both business and personal.
For example, I was once having a discussion with a potential client who was struggling with her husband’s lack of emotional availability. While she didn’t want to get a divorce, she also didn’t want to have to, as she put it, “live with an emotional corpse” for the rest of her life.
She was explaining all the ways in which her husband’s lack of emotional intelligence manifested itself when I stopped her.
“You sound like a trial lawyer making her closing argument,” I said.
“Actually, that was just my opening argument!” she replied.
I laughed, but she didn’t, so I asked her if she’d ever come across the popular relationship book for women called The Rules.
“I think so,” she said. “Wasn’t that the one that told you how many days to wait before phoning a guy back, when not to say ‘I love you,’ and things like that?”
“That’s the one,” I said. “There’s also one for guys called The Game, which claims to lay out the way for men to get around the rules. The problem with both of those books, and in fact any system that claims to teach you how to ‘win the game of love,’ is this: when it comes to relationships, if you’re playing to win, you’ve already lost. The same thing is true here. It doesn’t matter how good a ‘case’ you can build against your husband—if you keep putting your partner on trial, you may win the arguments, but you’ll ultimately lose the relationship.”
Something about the directness of that seemed to strike her, and her voice softened as she asked me, “So how am I supposed to stop doing it?”
“That’s the beauty of it,” I pointed out. “You don’t have to. All you have to do is recognize when it’s happening and not take it so seriously. It will pass, and before you know it you’ll be right back to the heart of any relationship—the deep feeling of love, connection, and well-being that makes being in a long-term committed relationship so wonderful.”
She thought about that for a few moments and then asked with a smile in her voice, “But what if I have a really