Supercoach - Michael Neill [53]
This time we both laughed, and I pointed out that in relation to our thinking, we have a choice:
We can entertain our thoughts about others,
or we can allow our thoughts about others to entertain us.
Here are a couple of things you can do to begin to enjoy your habitual thoughts instead of being distracted by them:
1. Imagine you’re actually about to enter into a courtroom to “make the case” against the person you’re having trouble with. How have they wronged you? In what ways have you been maligned and misunderstood? Play with turning up the heat on your case until it begins to sound like a country-music song. You’ll know you’ve cranked it up enough when it begins to make you smile instead of scowl.
2. Notice what happens to your experience when you recognize that it’s not the other person but your thoughts about that other person that are driving you nuts!
3. Listening Hard vs. Listening Easy
“Purpose tremor” is a phrase that describes the slight shake most people notice in their hands when they first try to thread a needle or remove the shinbone in a game of Operation. Simply put, our muscles work better when we’re not trying so hard to make them work better.
What’s sometimes less obvious is that the same thing is true with our listening:
It’s easier to hear what’s really going on with other people
when we’re not trying so hard to listen to them.
When you listen to another person speaking in the way you might listen to pleasant background music (the kind they play on “easy listening” stations), things will often jump out at you that turn out to be the keys to unlocking whatever is going on for that person.
And when you learn to listen to yourself in the same way, it becomes easier and easier to separate out your own mental chatter from the still, small voice of wisdom within.
How do you do it?
Easy Listening
1. Choose a few noncrucial conversations to experiment with this week and notice what you can about your own habitual listening filters. Are you listening for problems or opportunities? Holes in other people’s argument or openings for resolution? What they’re saying with their words or what they’re communicating with their feelings?
2. Just for this week, try turning down the volume on the voice inside your head when you’re listening to someone else speak. Notice how much more you hear and whether or not this actually does make the other person feel “heard.”
3. Practice “easy listening” this week—listening the way a tape recorder might do it. There’s no effort involved—just allow the words to come in and pass right through you, with nothing on your mind and no agenda as to what you do or don’t want to hear.
Would You Listen to Yourself?
Practice “easy listening” to your own internal dialogue this week and discover . . . what you can discover.
In a nutshell:
• We create other people by how we listen to them.
• When it comes to relationships, if you’re playing to win, you’ve already lost.
• You can entertain your thoughts about others, or you can let your thoughts about others entertain you.
When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting for you in the very next session. . . .
SESSION EIGHT
How to Ask for
Anything from Anyone
“If I had a prayer, it would be this: ‘God, spare me from
the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.’”
— Byron Katie
The Cookie Thief
A young woman was early to catch her flight home for the holidays when she decided to get herself a snack. The smell of fresh-baked cookies caught her attention, and she bought a bag full of them to help pass the time while she waited.
Although the airport was overflowing with people, a kindly looking gentleman made space for her next to him, and she gratefully sat down. After a few moments, she reached her hand down into the bag and pulled out the first of her afternoon treats. To her surprise, the “gentleman” reached into the bag just moments later and took one of the cookies for himself.
Shocked by this rude behavior, she decided to be the bigger person and not say a word. Looking