Supercoach - Michael Neill [54]
This cookie thievery went on for the next few minutes like a game of tennis, with first her hand and then the stranger’s dipping into the bag one after the other until there was only one cookie left.
“Surely he wouldn’t take the last cookie,” she thought. He wouldn’t dare. Would he?
But no sooner had she thought the thought than the man’s hand dipped into the very bottom of the bag and came out with the very last, delectable cookie.
To her amazement, the man actually smiled at her as he broke the cookie in half, handing her the larger of the two halves as he left his seat to dispose of the cookie bag and no doubt find some other unsuspecting young woman to take advantage of.
Just then her flight was called. As she stood up to get in line to board the plane, still shaking with anger at the actions of the stranger, she noticed to her dismay a full bag of cookies, still sitting on the ground by her feet where she’d left them.
The “Need” for Approval
Steve Hardison is a somewhat legendary figure in the coaching world, not only for his incredible effectiveness as a supercoach but also for the jaw-dropping fees he charges and his ability to ask pretty much anyone for pretty much anything.
One of my favorite stories about him dates back to his time as a missionary for the Mormon church. One time Steve had gone up to a house and had begun speaking about the church’s teachings to a man who answered the door. No doubt he had experienced doors being slammed many times over the years, but this man went a step further and actually punched him in the face. Steve’s nose began to bleed, but without missing a beat, he asked the man for a towel to help stop the bleeding so they could continue their conversation.
What is it that allows one person to ask and ask and ask for what he wants, while others stop themselves before even popping the very first question?
This is the simple secret at the heart of this session:
You can ask anyone for anything
when you make it okay for them to say “no.”
Your ability to not take the word no personally, no matter how dramatically that “no” may be delivered, is the key to success—not (by definition) because people will always say yes, but because it won’t be emotionally devastating to you if they don’t. The more comfortable you get with the word no, the less likely you are to get caught up in a sort of “post-traumatic stress disorder” of the mind, walking on eggshells and becoming more and more afraid to ask for what you want.
One of the things that can make it considerably easier to face up to the possibility of a strong “no” is knowing that this response invariably comes from one of three places:
1. Other people’s fear that you will “make” them hear something they don’t want to hear or do something they don’t want to do
2. A lack of information or understanding about how what you’re asking will be of benefit to them, either directly or indirectly
3. A genuine awareness on their part that they don’t want to be, do, or have what you’re requesting
If their response is coming from fear, you don’t have to take it personally because it’s about their internal state, not you or your external request.
If it’s coming from a lack of information, it’s still impersonal—it’s up to you whether or not to continue until they have enough information to make an informed decision.
If they’re saying no because they really don’t want to, that’s still nothing to do with you—it’s simply a statement from them to them about their willingness to trust their own intuition, awareness, and inner knowing.
So why do we take “no” so personally?
Because when we make our requests, we tend to put our self-image and self-esteem and even physical survival on the line along