Supercoach - Michael Neill [55]
“Would you please do as I’m requesting and approve of me, affirm me as a human being, ensure I have whatever I need to survive, and let me know I’m worthy of your acceptance?”
That’s a tall order for anyone, let alone someone you’ve never met before!
In fact, one of the simplest ways to overcome the fear of asking for what you want is to notice whether your attention is on you or the person you’re asking. If it’s on you—your self-image, self-worth, or what it might mean to you for them to say “yes” or “no” to your request—you’ll inevitably feel fear or discomfort. But the moment you turn the full light of your attention onto the other person and how what you’re asking will benefit and serve that individual, the discomfort disappears and you’ll find it surprisingly easy to ask for what you want.
In order to see how the desire for approval serves as an obstacle to asking for what you want, consider going up to 100 people and either asking for something you want or selling them a product or your own services. Now, 50 of these people already know you very well— they’re members of your family or friends and colleagues. The other 50 are complete strangers and don’t know anything about you.
Which group would you find it easier to approach?
In my experience, people are fairly split in their answers to this question, but fewer than 5 in 100 would find approaching both groups to ask for what they want or sell their product or services an effortless, fun endeavor.
The reason is that we don’t want to risk the disapproval of others, not even complete strangers. But imagine how much easier it would be to ask for what you wanted if your sense of well-being were strong enough for you not to worry about what other people thought of you in order to feel safe, happy, and well.
In other words, the desire for approval is really the desire for safety and well-being, and it can never be found if we continue to look for it in the wrong place— outside our innermost selves.
As we discussed in Session Two, all happiness, well-being, and wisdom come from within. They aren’t the fruit of something you do; they’re the essence of who you are. And there’s nothing you can ask for and be given from the outside that will fill the hole you’ve been digging for yourself on the inside.
Who Do You Think They Are?
“In America everybody is of the opinion that he has
no social superiors, since all men are equal, but he
does not admit that he has no social inferiors.”
— Bertrand Russell
Of course, another thing that triggers our “need for approval” thoughts is believing that we are in some way less than the person of whom we’re making our request.
For example, I was checking into a hotel once and found myself stuck behind someone who was trying to get an upgrade by intimidating the woman behind the desk.
“You’d better be careful, lady,” our irritated asker said, “or I’ll tell you who I am!”
While I have no idea who he was, the point is that people who are caught up in their insecure thinking about asking will often resort to status, real or imagined, as a way of compensating for their own discomfort.
How to Ask
The best book I’ve ever read on the power of asking to get what you want is Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen’s The Aladdin Factor. In it, they offer the following eight suggestions for how to ask:
1. Ask as if you expect to get it.
2. Ask someone who can give it to you.
3. Be clear and specific in your requests.
4. Ask with humor and creativity.
5. Ask from the heart.
6. Be prepared to give something in order to get something.
7. Ask repeatedly.
8. Be gracious in accepting a “no.”
One of my clients was trying to understand why she felt nervous with certain people but completely confident with others. After exploring and discarding numerous theories, we soon found it clear that the