Supercoach - Michael Neill [56]
• If she felt someone was “better” than she was in some way, she felt nervous.
• If she felt someone was “a bit beneath” her in some way, she felt confident.
In an impromptu and extraordinarily unscientific poll I then conducted among my friends, these were the top ten reasons (in no particular order) for feeling superior or inferior to a fellow human being:
1. Being larger or smaller in height or weight
2. Being physically stronger or weaker
3. Having a degree or qualification from a better or lesser school
4. Being older or younger
5. Being more or less experienced
6. Being more or less of an “expert”
7. Being more or less beautiful/handsome
8. Achieving a higher or lower level of “success”
9. Earning more or less money
10. Doing more or fewer “good” works in the world
So how do you feel better in relation to someone who you think is in some way better than you?
One piece of advice I’ve heard given to both salespeople and public speakers is that if you feel frightened when you’re about to speak to an individual or a group, imagine them in their underwear or sitting on the toilet. (This does make people seem less imposing, but I’ve always found it kind of gross!)
An early mentor, Stuart Wilde, taught me a similar trick—to imagine myself 30 feet tall, towering over the “puny people” in the audience. Dr. Richard Bandler, the creator of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), teaches his students to imagine themselves inside the body of a sleek black puma, looking out at the world through bright yellow eyes and saying to themselves, “Your ass is mine!”
The problem with all these “humanizing” games is that while they do often result in reduced nerves, they tend to also result in dehumanizing the people we play them with. In fact, it’s not at all uncommon to see a speaker with supreme self-confidence come off as simply arrogant. They might feel great, but their audience won’t care—they won’t feel connected, or in some cases even acknowledged. My feeling is that if you’re going to imagine others in their underwear, do it because you find them attractive!
Although psychologist Alfred Adler once quipped, “To be human means to feel inferior,” making a shift from feeling inferior to superior is simply trading one way of denying our shared humanity for a slightly more pleasant one.
A third option, and the one I proposed to my client, is to cultivate a sense of “unique equality”—a recognition of both your uniqueness and your commonality with every person on the planet. (If you’re wondering what you have in common with the most horrible people you can imagine, it’s this: you’re both doing the best you can based on your beliefs and values to move toward happiness and away from sorrow, and you’re both going to die one day. As George Bernard Shaw said, “Be patient with the poor people who . . . think they will live for ever, which makes death a division instead of a bond.”)
When you see the people around you as being both unique and “just like you”—no better and no worse—you open up the gateway to more love, deeper connection, and longer-lasting relationships. You may not feel as “confident” as you would if you held yourself to be superior, but you’ll get to feel something even better— an ongoing sense of ease and well-being, regardless of whom you happen to be with.
Here’s an experiment that will bring this experience home to you:
A Unique Equality
1. Make a list of three people—one you look up to, one you see as an equal, and one you suspect might be a little bit beneath you. (Obviously you’re too enlightened to really think someone is beneath you, but if you did, who would it be? Someone in the office who gossips? Your least favorite politician? The local drunk outside the convenience store?)
2. Now, go inside and notice how you think about these people. Where in your mind do you “see” them? Are they above you, below you, or at eye level? To the left, to the right, or directly in front of you? Are you seeing them through your own eyes, or do you see yourself in the picture with them?