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The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rod - Terry Pratchett [6]

By Root 207 0
off the old rusty cans and give yourself names you like the sound of.

The trouble with thinking was that, once you started, you went on doing it. And as far as Maurice was concerned, the rats were thinking a good deal too much. Dangerous Beans was bad enough, but he was so busy thinking stupid thoughts about how rats could actually build their own country somewhere that Maurice could deal with him. It was Peaches who was the worst. Maurice's usual trick of just talking fast until people got confused didn't work on her at all.

'Ahem,' she began again, 'we think that this should be the last time.'

Maurice stared. The other rats backed away slightly, but Peaches just stared back.

'This must be the very last time we do the silly "plague of rats" trick,' said Peaches. 'And that's final.'

'And what does Hamnpork think about this?' said Maurice. He turned to the head rat, who had been watching them. It was always a good idea appealing to Hamnpork when Peaches was giving trouble, because he didn't like her very much.

'What d'you mean, think?' said Hamnpork.

'I… sir, I think we should stop doing this trick,' said Peaches, dipping her head nervously.

'Oh, you think too, do you?' said Hamnpork. 'Everyone's thinking these days. I think there's a good deal too much of this thinking, that's what I think. We never thought about thinking when I was a lad. We'd never get anything done if we thought first.'

He gave Maurice a glare, too. Hamnpork didn't like Maurice. He didn't like most things that had happened since the Change. In fact Maurice wondered how long Hamnpork was going to last as leader. He didn't like thinking. He belonged to the days when a rat leader just had to be big and stroppy. The world was moving far too fast for him now, which made him angry.

He wasn't so much leading now as being pushed.

'I… Dangerous Beans, sir, believes that we should be thinking of settling down, sir,' said Peaches.

Maurice scowled. Hamnpork wouldn't listen to Peaches, and she knew it, but Dangerous Beans was the nearest thing the rats had to a wizard and even big rats listened to him.

'I thought we were going to get on a boat and find an island somewhere,' said Hamnpork. 'Very ratty places, boats,' he added, approvingly. Then he went on, with a slightly nervous and slightly annoyed look at Dangerous Beans, 'And people tell me that we need this money stuff because now we can do all this thinking we've got to be eff… efit…'

'Ethical, sir,' said Dangerous Beans.

'Which sounds unratty to me. Not that my opinion counts for anything, it seems,' said Hamnpork.

'We've got enough money, sir,' said Peaches. 'We've already got a lot of money. We have got a lot of money, haven't we, Maurice.' It wasn't a question; it was a kind of accusation.

'Well, when you say a lot-' Maurice began.

'And in fact we've got more money than we thought,' said Peaches, still in the same tone of voice. It was very polite, but it just kept going and it asked all the wrong questions. A wrong question for Maurice was one that he didn't want anyone to ask. Peaches gave her little cough again. 'The reason I say we've got more money, Maurice, is that you said what were called "gold coins" were shiny like the moon and "silver coins" were shiny like the sun, and you'd keep all the silver coins. In fact, Maurice, that's the wrong way around. It's the silver coins that are shiny like the moon.'

Maurice thought a rude word in cat language, which has a great many of them. What was the point of education, he thought, if people went out afterwards and used it?

'So we think, sir,' said Dangerous Beans to Hamnpork, 'that after this one last time we should share out the money and go our separate ways. Besides, it's getting dangerous to keep repeating the same trick. We should stop before it's too late. There's a river here. We should be able to get to the sea.'

'An island with no humans or krllrrt cats would be a good place,' said Hamnpork.

Maurice didn't let his smile fade, even though he knew what krllrrt meant.

'And we wouldn't want to keep Maurice from his wonderful new

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