The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rod - Terry Pratchett [73]
'The Mystery of Smuggler's Windmill, sir,' said the sergeant, rolling his eyes.
'Which turned out to be Mr Vogel the town clerk and Mrs Schuman the shoemaker's wife, who happened to be there merely because of their shared interest in studying the habits of barn owls…'
'… and Mr Vogel had his trousers off because he'd torn them on a nail…' said the sergeant, not looking at the mayor.
'… which Mrs Schuman was very kindly repairing for him,' said the mayor.
'By moonlight,' said the sergeant.
'She happens to have very good eyesight!' snapped the mayor. 'And she didn't deserve to be bound and gagged along with Mr Vogel, who caught quite a chill as a result! I had complaints from him and from her, and from Mrs Vogel and from Mr Schuman and from Mr Vogel after Mr Schuman went around to his house and hit him with a last and from Mrs Schuman after Mrs Vogel called her a-'
'A last what, sir?'
'What?'
'Hit him with a last what?'
'A last, man! It's a kind of wooden foot shoemakers use when they're making shoes! Heaven knows what Malicia's doing this time!'
'I expect you'll find out when we hear the bang, sir.'
'And what was it you wanted me for, sergeant?'
'The rat piper's here, sir.'
The mayor went pale. 'Already?' he said.
'Yessir. He's having a shave in the fountain.'
'Where's my official chain? My official robe? My official hat? Quick, man, help me!'
'He looks like quite a slow shaver, sir,' said the sergeant, following the mayor out of the room at a run.
'Over in Klotz the mayor kept the piper waiting too long and he played his pipe and turned him into a badger!' said the mayor, flinging open a cupboard. 'Ah, here they are… help me on with them, will you?'
When they arrived in the town square, out of breath, the piper was sitting on a bench, surrounded at a safe distance by a very large crowd. He was examining half a sausage on the end of a fork. Corporal Knopf was standing next to him like a schoolboy who has just turned in a nasty piece of work and is waiting to be told exactly how bad it is.
'And this is called a-?' the piper was saying.
'A sausage, sir,' Corporal Knopf muttered.
'This is what you think is a sausage here, is it?' There was a gasp from the crowd. Bad Blintz was very proud of its traditional vole-and-pork sausages.
'Yessir,' said Corporal Knopf.
'Amazing,' said the piper. He looked up at the mayor. 'And you are-?'
'I am the mayor of this town, and-'
The piper held up a hand, and then nodded towards the old man who was sitting on his cart, grinning broadly. 'My agent will deal with you,' he said. He threw away the sausage, put his feet up on the other end of the bench, pulled his hat down over his eyes and lay back.
The mayor went red in the face. Sergeant Doppelpunkt leaned towards him.
'Remember the badger, sir!' he whispered.
'Ah… yes…' The mayor, with what little dignity he had left, walked over to the cart. 'I believe the fee for ridding the town of rats will be three hundred dollars?' he said.
'Then I expect you'll believe anything,' said the old man. He glanced at a notebook on his knee. 'Let's see… call-out fee… plus special charge because it's St Prodnitz's Day… plus pipe tax… looks like a medium-sized town, so that's extra… wear and tear on cart… travelling costs at a dollar a mile… miscellaneous expenses, taxes, charges…' He looked up. 'Tell you what, let's say one thousand dollars, OK?'
'One thousand dollars! We haven't got one thousand dollars! That's outrag-'
'Badger, sir!' hissed Sergeant Doppelpunkt.
'You can't pay?' said the old man.
'We don't have that kind of money! We've had to spend a lot of money bringing in food!'
'You don't have any money?' said the old man.
'Nothing like that amount, no!'
The old man scratched his chin. 'Hmm,' he said, 'I can see where that's going to be a bit difficult, because… let's see…' He scribbled