The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rod - Terry Pratchett [74]
'What? He hasn't blown a note!'
'Ah, but he's ready to,' said the old man. 'We've come all this way. You can't pay? Bit of what they call a imp arse, then. He's got to lead something out of the town, you see. Otherwise the news'll get around and no-one'll show him any respect, and if you haven't got respect, what have you got? If a piper doesn't have respect, he's-'
'-rubbish,' said a voice. 'I think he's rubbish.'
The piper raised the brim of his hat.
The crowd in front of Keith parted in a hurry.
'Yeah?' said the piper.
'I don't think he can pipe up even one rat,' said Keith. 'He's just a fraud and a bully. Huh, I bet I can pipe up more rats than him.'
Some of the people in the crowd began to creep away. No-one wanted to be around when the rat piper lost his temper.
The piper swung his boots down onto the ground and pushed his hat back on his head. 'You a rat piper, kid?' he said softly.
Keith stuck out his chin defiantly. 'Yes. And don't call me kid… old man.'
The piper grinned. 'Ah,' he said. 'I knew I was going to like this place. And you can make a rat dance, can you, kid?'
'More than you can, piper.'
'Sounds like a challenge to me,' said the piper.
'The piper doesn't accept challenges from-' the old man on the cart began, but the rat piper waved him into silence.
'Y'know, kid,' he said, 'this isn't the first time some kid has tried this. I'm walking down the street and someone yells, "Go for your piccolo, mister!" and I turn around, and it's always a kid like you with a stupid-looking face. Now, I don't want anyone to say I'm an unfair man, kid, so if you'd just care to apologize you might walk away from here with the same number of legs you started with '
'You're frightened.' Malicia stepped out of the crowd.
The piper grinned at her. 'Yeah?' he said.
'Yes, because everyone knows what happens at a time like this. Let me ask this stupid-looking kid, who I've never seen before: are you an orphan?'
'Yes,' said Keith.
'Do you know nothing about your background at all?'
'No.'
'Aha!' said Malicia. 'That proves it! We all know what happens when a mysterious orphan turns up and challenges someone big and powerful, don't we? It's like being the third and youngest son of a king. He can't help but win!'
She looked triumphantly at the crowd. But the crowd looked doubtful. They hadn't read as many stories as Malicia, and were rather attached to the experience of real life, which is that when someone small and righteous takes on someone big and nasty he is grilled bread product, very quickly.
However, someone at the back shouted, 'Give the stupid-looking kid a chance! At least he'll be cheaper!' and someone else shouted, 'Yes, that's right!' and someone else shouted, 'I agree with the other two!' and no-one seemed to notice that all the voices came from near ground level or were associated with the progress around the crowd of a scruffy-looking cat with half its fur missing. Instead, there was a general murmuring, no real words, nothing that would get anyone into trouble if the piper turned nasty, but a muttering indicating, in a general sense, without wishing to cause umbrage, and seeing everyone's point of view, and taking one thing with another, and all things being equal, that people would like to see the boy given a chance, if it's all right with you, no offence meant.
The piper shrugged. 'Fine,' he said. 'It'll be something to talk about. And when I win, what will I get?'
The mayor coughed. 'Is a daughter's hand in marriage usual in these circumstances?' he said. 'She has very good teeth, and would make a goo-a wife for anyone with plenty of free wall space-'
'Father!' said Malicia.
'Later on, later on, obviously,' said the mayor. 'He's unpleasant, but he is rich.'
'No, I'll just take my payment,' said the piper. 'One way or another.'
'And I said we can't afford it!' said the mayor.
'And I said one way or the other,' said