The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [44]
Conversely, play a defensive game with amber signals; use clichés to suggest a topic is not for debate, or flattery and polite comments to baffle difficult topics, e.g., “That is an interesting question.” (See Chapter 13.) The subtlest curb of all is not matching enthusiasm: “Oh yeah?” softly spoken announces that this news is already stale.
“THE REASON I CALLED”
You feel it circling. A shadow passes overhead. For some reason it doesn’t swoop. Instead, the person at the other end of the phone chatters on. But you aren’t fooled. You know this conversation is heading toward something—something you probably won’t want to hear.
Who likes being ambushed? But, charming as wittering may be, it may be kinder—not least to your schedule—to open conversational airspace and guide the agenda in to land.
First, step back, highlight the oddity of the call: “It’s been a while since we spoke.”
No response? Hint you know something’s up: “Everything all right?”
Does she say, “Fine”? From a friend, this answer should make you nervous. Take courage: ask “So what can I do for you?”
“Oh. I—No, nothing.”
Now you have a choice: press on—“You sure?”—or take this at face value and let yourself off the hook—“Right. Only, I was in the middle of something . . .”
If she doesn’t spit it out now, don’t worry. She’ll be back.
STAGING TOPICAL TAKEOVERS
Fed up with Ferraris? Time to change the subject. But take your listeners with you. There are six methods to shift between topics without audibly scraping gears. Pick yours according to whether the subject you wish to introduce is a
Shift: New
Contrast: Variant on a line of discussion
Familiar: Extension of the given topic
The fresher a topic, the greater the work required to weave it in. This is marked in how we speak, whatever our language. Evaluations of French and German speakers have found that pitch and volume rise according to how new a topic is. So use your voice to grab attention. (Monotone speech is uninvolving because so much of words’ meaning—their emotional force—is lost.)
Now choose your topical knitware. Consider these links marketing tools, pitching a topic by connecting it to the other person’s needs, wants, hopes, and fears. Better still, be gossipy, introducing a tinct of secrets hidden, details forbidden. “Well—No, I’d better not say” makes anything twice as interesting. Want to wind somebody up? Root the topic in her insecurities. (“Talking of Christmas, Aphra, how’s the diet going?” )
1. Topic-tying: Good old grammar. To keep clear, ensure listeners grasp which “he” or “it” is in play, even as you introduce new “hes” and “its” as you go along.
2. Step-wise progression: Good for complicated subjects. So, to explain that your job at the café is hell, you might say, “First the bananas arrive, then the Hells Angels, and then Fred throws a wobbly with the custard”—progressing to the conclusion: “It’s hell!”
Bridging components—“first,” “then,” “after that”—create coherence by presenting elements as part of a story. Not only do they help reach topical destinations, but they are invaluable for escaping one you don’t fancy. For example, ending a relationship you might begin: “It’s not you . . .” At first, this is clichéd. But go step by step, itemizing issues you wouldn’t wish to foist on the other person, and the topic ceases to be “You’re dumped” to become “Tomorrow begins my quest for Shangri-la.”
3. Touching off: Trade off previous talk, introducing a topic by latching on to something mentioned earlier. Say, “As you rightly said, bunions and wellies don’t mix. . . .”
This is endearing, in a subliminal way, as it demonstrates how engaged you are. We’re all suckers for apt quotations. Think of the cheap laughs TV quiz-show panelists bag by referencing previous jokes. It isn’t so much that what they say is funny, as it shows off their quick wits, and we feel included—somehow, recognizing the allusion makes us feel wittier by association. Similarly, in the frame of a conversation, a touch-off, witty