The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [83]
You can’t kiss and make up by phone or fax (although you can dump someone by fax, as the famous actor who allegedly jilted his pregnant lover). Whereas the authentic look of remorse is a priceless addition to the word “sorry.”
➺ Rule five: Great conversation is difficult conversation that worked out
Of all the idiocies of dodging tough talk, perhaps worst is the missed joy. What may be lost if we choose, wrongly, silence over risk; laugh instead of listen; say yes, but don’t mean it; say nothing for fear of hearing someone doesn’t feel the same way?
And how can you tell in advance whether a conversation will be difficult? Act by Crow’s law, invented by Second World War intelligence whizz R. V. Jones:
Do not believe what you want to believe, until you know what you need to know.
As the cliché goes, grasp the nettle. First pick a strategy: evasion, mediation, or persuasion? Then, tactics.
EVASION
Good for defensive situations and sloughing off tricky topics.
ABSORB
Don’t rise to the bait and you don’t give others power. A writer was mesmerized by “unexpectedly likeable” hypnotist Paul McKenna, whom she found “intensely straightforward.” Why? He proved “impossible to embarrass,” “taking pretty much everything I say as a compliment.”
Opportunity: Teflon is proof to minor conflict.
Risk: Becoming impervious to genuine problems, smug, and therefore vulnerable
QUIP
At the start of his reign Tony Blair was a gifted hook-wriggler, high on the vapors of Cool Britannia. In July 1997 he hosted a reception for its leading lights and met Oasis rocker Noel Gallagher, a rumored champ of South American energy aids:
I told [Blair] that we stayed up till seven o’clock in the morning to watch him arrive at [Labour Party] headquarters and asked him, “How did you stay up all night?” He leant over and said, “Probably not by the same means as you did.”
(How different from the man who, years later, told novelist Ian McEwan he admired his paintings. I’m a writer, McEwan corrected. No, Blair insisted; he really liked his art.)
Opportunity: Deflect or deflate without addressing the central issue.
Risk: Being insufficiently funny or quick
FLIRT
Spectacular at disabling reluctant flirtees. Prince, the artist formerly known as squiggle, deployed ruthless coquetry to stall rock critic Mick Brown: batting eyelashes, “touching my knee,” sulking, gazing into the distance if he disliked a question, seizing on words as objects of wonder—anything, indeed, but answer.
“Hedonist?” He arched an eyebrow and smiled. “For years I didn’t even know what the word meant . . .”
Brown likened the encounter to “fencing with a wraith.”
Opportunity: Amusing
Risk: Annoying the wrong person
MEET QUESTION WITH QUESTION
Why not?
My sister-in-law flips questions like pancakes. A stranger demanded: Why did she elope to Finland? Amanda smiled. “Lovely country. You been?”
Opportunity: Fun with the distractible and the persistent
Risk: You might not like the answer.
REFRAME QUESTIONS
Questions are like predictions, framed to shape answers. So use your answer to shift focus and wendy-i-wander from traps.
The wiles of David Linley, Princess Margaret’s son, did not escape this scalpel-sharp interviewer, but might pass unnoticed with the unsuspecting:
Isn’t it a bit scary becoming chairman of Christie’s? “Yes, but I’ve done scary for so long.” But then he smoothly revises his answer: “To me, it’s less scary, more honour. . . .”
Other jiggery-pokers include repeating a question, with modifications to encompass whatever you would rather discuss. Or bamboozling: Say, “I’m glad you asked that” or “Yes, that is important, which is why . . .” or “That’s an interesting