The Art of Conversation - Catherine Blyth [84]
Sadly, many listeners are so inattentive, they’ll accept decoys as explanations if presented as such. I suspect this is why, according to a book called Yes!, “because” is often enough to make someone do your bidding: as in, “Please may I jump this queue because I need to buy something”—or, as Mum said, “Because I say so.”
Opportunity: Limitless
Risk: Have your wits about you—and hope your interrogator doesn’t.
DIFFUSE
Interpretation is up to you. So address an inquiry’s theme instead of particulars, as actors do when journalists seek to vivisect their private lives. Cate Blanchett routinely steers “conversation away from the personal to the abstract.”
Another journalist met pitiless resistance from Joseph Fiennes:
I say, let’s try again: do you fall in love easily? “I love travelling. I love cultures.” I ask, do you travel to other people’s souls easily? [Fiennes] says, not laughing: “You’ll have to ask them. I love life. I’m fascinated by human behaviour because that feeds back into my work. . . .”
Opportunity: Cooperate while turning tables.
Risk: Seeming untrustworthy or maddening
PERSIST
They won’t listen? Plow on. Fashion designer Dame Vivienne Westwood
has advanced skills in avoiding interruption. When she senses that you are about to jump in, she furrows her brow, breaks eye contact and, without disturbing the deceptively soft rhythm of her voice, hauls on through.
As Prince showed, looking away makes it harder for someone to pitch in, and helps you concentrate. Or say “Hang on,” and counter-interrupt: “Yes, but what I was trying to say . . .”; “Maybe I haven’t put this well . . .” Naturally, you want to hear what the other person has to say—in a minute or ten, once your point has been made.
If a point is extra sticky, talk long enough, and you may substitute another. Memory is so brief, questioners may not recall what was asked, or fear another monologue too much to try again.
Opportunity: Attack disguised as defense, this tactic shows full attention has been given.
Risk: Arrogance. Westwood’s frustrated interviewer observed: Those she works with seem to regard her with more respect than warmth.
BLANK
Try forgetful (he claimed) author Douglas Adams’s invincible riposte:
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
Without details, lines of inquiry fizzle. Filmmaker David Cronenberg nuked questions about his childhood with: “Quite ordinary, really.”
Opportunity: Skip flimflam
Risk: Credibility. Does the inquirer know more than you suspect?
MEDIATION
For when engagement is unavoidable, indeed desirable. Good in business, negotiation, conflict. As a rule, try to separate issues from personalities to dampen negative emotion.
GO SLOW
Singer Diana Krall cannot trill publicists’ tune. One writer labeled her “a cow” because her “reserve” and “desire to think about a question before giving a response” led to “disconcertingly long pauses.”
Hers may seem a poor example of the virtues of taking time. But in arguments (as opposed to faux-cozy interviews) going slow is a bonus, counteracting the kinetic back-and-forth that may, if heated, accelerate dialogue to insult rally, crisis to drama. Curb that energy: Ruminate, cleave to the point. You won’t be sidetracked, and will compel the other side to slow down, think, and listen too.
Opportunity: Stabilizes volatility, helping information to sound out clearer
Risk: Rather than reining yourself in to think constructively, you simply act hoity-toity.
BREAK DOWN
Active listening—repetition, agreeing to a précis of a position before moving on—replaces the emotional propulsion of argument with the cooling balm of analysis.
Show respect by inviting the other party to “help me understand”; seek information; check and repeat (“If I’m right, what you’re telling me is . . .”). Gently, without blame, remind others you aren’t privy to their thoughts