The Artemis Fowl Files - Eoin Colfer [23]
Science
Artemis does not see himself as a student, rather as a foil for the theories of science. He insists that the periodic table is a few elements short and that the theory of relativity is all very well on paper but would not hold up in the real world because space will disintegrate before time. I made the mistake of arguing once, and young Artemis reduced me to near tears in seconds. Artemis has asked for permission to conduct failure analysis tests on the school next term. I must grant his request, as I fear there is nothing he can learn from me.
Social and Personal Development
Artemis is quite perceptive and extremely intellectual. He can answer the questions on any psychological profile perfectly, but this is only because he knows the perfect answers. I fear that Artemis feels that the other boys are too childish. He refuses to socialize, preferring to work on his various projects during free periods. The more he works alone, the more isolated he becomes, and if he does not change his habits soon, he may isolate himself completely from anyone wishing to be his friend, and, ultimately, from his family too. Must try harder.
CHAPTER 1: LADY FEI FEI’S TIARA
Below the Fleursheim Plaza, Manhattan, New York City
DWARFS dig tunnels. That’s what they are born to do. Their bodies have adapted over millions of years to make them efficient tunnelers. A dwarf male’s jaw can be unhinged so that he can unhook it at will in order to excavate a tunnel with his mouth. The waste is jettisoned at the rear end to make way for the next mouthful.
The dwarf that concerns us is the notorious fairy felon Mulch Diggums. Mulch found burglary much more suited to his personality than mining. The hours were shorter, the risks were less severe, and the precious metals and stones that he took from the Mud Men were already processed, forged, and polished.
Tonight’s target was the tiara of Lady Fei Fei, a legendary Chinese diplomat. The tiara was a masterpiece of intricate jade-and-diamond arrangements in a white-gold setting. It was priceless, though Mulch would sell it for much less.
The tiara was currently on tour as the centerpiece of an Asian art exhibition. On the evening our story begins, it was overnighting in the Fleursheim Plaza on its way to the Metropolitan Museum. For one night only, Fei Fei’s tiara was vulnerable and Mulch did not intend to miss his chance.
Incredibly, the original geological planning survey for the Fleursheim Plaza was freely available on the Internet, allowing Mulch to plot his route from the comfort of the East Village, where he was holed up. The dwarf discovered, to his delight, that a narrow vein of compacted clay and loose shale ran right up to the basement wall. The basement where the Fei Fei tiara was being stored. At that moment, Mulch was closing his jaws around five pounds of earth per second as he burrowed ever closer to the Fleursheim basement. His hair and beard resembled an electrified halo as each sensitive fiber tested the surface for vibrations.
It wasn’t bad clay, Mulch mused as he swallowed, taking shallow breaths through his nostrils. Breathing and swallowing simultaneously is a skill lost by most creatures once they leave infancy, but for dwarfs it is essential for survival.
Mulch’s beard hair detected vibration close by; the steady thrumming that usually indicated air-conditioning units or a generator. That didn’t necessarily mean he was nearing his target. But Mulch Diggums had the best internal compass in the business, plus he’d programmed the precise coordinates into the stolen Lower Elements Police helmet in his knapsack. Mulch paused long enough to check the 3D grid in the helmet’s visor. The Fleursheim basement was forty-eight degrees northeast, ten yards above his present position. A matter of seconds for a tunnel dwarf of his caliber. Mulch resumed his munching, scything through the clay like a fairy torpedo. He was careful to expel only clay at the lower end, and