The Bab Ballads [23]
uncomfy.
DUKE BAILEY greatest wealth computes,
And sticks, they say, at no-thing,
He wears a pair of golden boots
And silver underclothing.
DUKE HUMPHY, as I understand,
Though mentally acuter,
His boots are only silver, and
His underclothing pewter.
A third adorer had the girl,
A man of lowly station -
A miserable grov'ling Earl
Besought her approbation.
This humble cad she did refuse
With much contempt and loathing,
He wore a pair of leather shoes
And cambric underclothing!
"Ha! ha!" she cried. "Upon my word!
Well, really - come, I never!
Oh, go along, it's too absurd!
My goodness! Did you ever?
"Two Dukes would Mary make a bride,
And from her foes defend her" -
"Well, not exactly that," they cried,
"We offer guilty splendour.
"We do not offer marriage rite,
So please dismiss the notion!"
"Oh dear," said she, "that alters quite
The state of my emotion."
The Earl he up and says, says he,
"Dismiss them to their orgies,
For I am game to marry thee
Quite reg'lar at St. George's."
(He'd had, it happily befell,
A decent education,
His views would have befitted well
A far superior station.)
His sterling worth had worked a cure,
She never heard him grumble;
She saw his soul was good and pure,
Although his rank was humble.
Her views of earldoms and their lot,
All underwent expansion -
Come, Virtue in an earldom's cot!
Go, Vice in ducal mansion!
Ballad: Thomson Green And Harriet Hale
(To be sung to the Air of "An 'Orrible Tale.")
Oh list to this incredible tale
Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE;
Its truth in one remark you'll sum -
"Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum!"
Oh, THOMSON GREEN was an auctioneer,
And made three hundred pounds a year;
And HARRIET HALE, most strange to say,
Gave pianoforte lessons at a sovereign a day.
Oh, THOMSON GREEN, I may remark,
Met HARRIET HALE in Regent's Park,
Where he, in a casual kind of way,
Spoke of the extraordinary beauty of the day.
They met again, and strange, though true,
He courted her for a month or two,
Then to her pa he said, says he,
"Old man, I love your daughter and your daughter worships me!"
Their names were regularly banned,
The wedding day was settled, and
I've ascertained by dint of search
They were married on the quiet at St. Mary Abbot's Church.
Oh, list to this incredible tale
Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE,
Its truth in one remark you'll sum -
"Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum!"
That very self-same afternoon
They started on their honeymoon,
And (oh, astonishment!) took flight
To a pretty little cottage close to Shanklin, Isle of Wight.
But now - you'll doubt my word, I know -
In a month they both returned, and lo!
Astounding fact! this happy pair
Took a gentlemanly residence in Canonbury Square!
They led a weird and reckless life,
They dined each day, this man and wife
(Pray disbelieve it, if you please),
On a joint of meat, a pudding, and a little bit of cheese.
In time came those maternal joys
Which take the form of girls or boys,
And strange to say of each they'd one -
A tiddy-iddy daughter, and a tiddy-iddy son!
Oh, list to this incredible tale
Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE,
Its truth in one remark you'll sum -
"Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum!"
My name for truth is gone, I fear,
But, monstrous as it may appear,
They let their drawing-room one day
To an eligible person in the cotton-broking way.
Whenever THOMSON GREEN fell sick
His wife called in a doctor, quick,
From whom some words like these would come -
FIAT MIST. SUMENDUM HAUSTUS, in a COCHLEYAREUM.
For thirty years this curious pair
Hung out in Canonbury Square,
And somehow, wonderful to say,
They loved each other dearly in a quiet
DUKE BAILEY greatest wealth computes,
And sticks, they say, at no-thing,
He wears a pair of golden boots
And silver underclothing.
DUKE HUMPHY, as I understand,
Though mentally acuter,
His boots are only silver, and
His underclothing pewter.
A third adorer had the girl,
A man of lowly station -
A miserable grov'ling Earl
Besought her approbation.
This humble cad she did refuse
With much contempt and loathing,
He wore a pair of leather shoes
And cambric underclothing!
"Ha! ha!" she cried. "Upon my word!
Well, really - come, I never!
Oh, go along, it's too absurd!
My goodness! Did you ever?
"Two Dukes would Mary make a bride,
And from her foes defend her" -
"Well, not exactly that," they cried,
"We offer guilty splendour.
"We do not offer marriage rite,
So please dismiss the notion!"
"Oh dear," said she, "that alters quite
The state of my emotion."
The Earl he up and says, says he,
"Dismiss them to their orgies,
For I am game to marry thee
Quite reg'lar at St. George's."
(He'd had, it happily befell,
A decent education,
His views would have befitted well
A far superior station.)
His sterling worth had worked a cure,
She never heard him grumble;
She saw his soul was good and pure,
Although his rank was humble.
Her views of earldoms and their lot,
All underwent expansion -
Come, Virtue in an earldom's cot!
Go, Vice in ducal mansion!
Ballad: Thomson Green And Harriet Hale
(To be sung to the Air of "An 'Orrible Tale.")
Oh list to this incredible tale
Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE;
Its truth in one remark you'll sum -
"Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum!"
Oh, THOMSON GREEN was an auctioneer,
And made three hundred pounds a year;
And HARRIET HALE, most strange to say,
Gave pianoforte lessons at a sovereign a day.
Oh, THOMSON GREEN, I may remark,
Met HARRIET HALE in Regent's Park,
Where he, in a casual kind of way,
Spoke of the extraordinary beauty of the day.
They met again, and strange, though true,
He courted her for a month or two,
Then to her pa he said, says he,
"Old man, I love your daughter and your daughter worships me!"
Their names were regularly banned,
The wedding day was settled, and
I've ascertained by dint of search
They were married on the quiet at St. Mary Abbot's Church.
Oh, list to this incredible tale
Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE,
Its truth in one remark you'll sum -
"Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum!"
That very self-same afternoon
They started on their honeymoon,
And (oh, astonishment!) took flight
To a pretty little cottage close to Shanklin, Isle of Wight.
But now - you'll doubt my word, I know -
In a month they both returned, and lo!
Astounding fact! this happy pair
Took a gentlemanly residence in Canonbury Square!
They led a weird and reckless life,
They dined each day, this man and wife
(Pray disbelieve it, if you please),
On a joint of meat, a pudding, and a little bit of cheese.
In time came those maternal joys
Which take the form of girls or boys,
And strange to say of each they'd one -
A tiddy-iddy daughter, and a tiddy-iddy son!
Oh, list to this incredible tale
Of THOMSON GREEN and HARRIET HALE,
Its truth in one remark you'll sum -
"Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum!"
My name for truth is gone, I fear,
But, monstrous as it may appear,
They let their drawing-room one day
To an eligible person in the cotton-broking way.
Whenever THOMSON GREEN fell sick
His wife called in a doctor, quick,
From whom some words like these would come -
FIAT MIST. SUMENDUM HAUSTUS, in a COCHLEYAREUM.
For thirty years this curious pair
Hung out in Canonbury Square,
And somehow, wonderful to say,
They loved each other dearly in a quiet