The Beautiful Between - Alyssa B. Sheinmel [28]
“Yeah,” I say. “That’s kind of my fault.”
“Yeah?” he says, without any shock or judgment.
“That’s what I’ve always said. That he lives in Arizona.”
“Why?”
I shrug. “I guess I thought it would be easier.”
“Has it been?”
I exhale until my chest feels hollow. “I guess it used to be.”
Jeremy crushes his cigarette and looks like he’s thinking very hard. Then he looks back up at me.
“Yeah, but why Arizona?”
I burst out laughing and Jeremy grins at me, proud that he made me laugh. I want to thank him. For making a joke, for not judging my lie, and also for telling me about the cancer because he trusted me with his family’s secret and, without even knowing it, helped me figure out my family’s.
We don’t hug each other good night. Jeremy gives me a kiss on the cheek and gets into a cab. I am suddenly so exhausted. It’s like the crying wore me out completely. I fall asleep without any fantasies, and I don’t remember any of my dreams when I wake up.
On Wednesday, Jeremy sits next to me at lunch, and after a few minutes a couple of his friends sit down on his other side. I slouch in my plastic chair. I always watch the cool boys, but I’ve never gotten to do it this close-up.
“Dude,” says Mike Cohen, “Fisher’s party is going to be sick.”
Mike means Brent Fisher, Marcy’s new boyfriend.
“Yeah,” says Jeremy.
There’s no question whether or not Jeremy is going; even I know that. New York City high schools are so incestuous that if you refused to go to a party that was affiliated in some way with some ex, you’d quickly run out of parties to go to. Besides, a prince is above such trifles. A prince must make his appearance at all the top engagements.
“Where’re his parents, anyway?” continues Mike. “Fucking Madagascar?”
“Madrid, idiot,” cuts in Ellis White, sitting next to Mike.
“Whatever, man. Fisher’s getting a keg.”
I don’t understand this, since I don’t really drink, but I think all high school boys see the availability of a keg as a kind of wide-open treasure chest, all those riches there for the taking. Even Jeremy, who I know gets to sample all the finest wines and mixed drinks at his family’s parties, is turned on by the idea.
“Right on, man,” Jeremy says, and then Mike looks around Jeremy at me. “You’re coming, Sternin, right?”
I didn’t even know that he saw me there, sitting on Jeremy’s other side. He hadn’t acknowledged me till now. I’ve just taken a bite of my sandwich, so I have some time to chew before answering. I’m excited that whether or not I’m invited isn’t a question. I’m Jeremy’s friend now, I guess. People have noticed us sitting here almost every day. For all I know, he’s told people he comes over to study and for cigarettes, though I’m pretty sure he hasn’t.
Luckily, Mike speaks before I can respond. “All right, Sternin. It’s gonna be a rage.”
I don’t know what “It’s gonna be a rage” actually means, but I know I can’t ask. At least I can tell it’s a good thing, so I smile and say, “Sounds awesome,” hoping my use of “awesome” isn’t too passé.
Peanut butter from my sandwich sticks to the roof of my mouth. I feel so much younger than they are; is this how Kate feels when she hangs out with Jeremy’s friends? I can’t imagine her ever feeling so awkward. She knows the right things to say.
After Mike and Ellis leave our table, Jeremy turns to me and whispers, “What the hell does ‘It’s gonna be a rage’ mean?” I feel my lips widen into a grin. Jeremy has no idea how happy he’s made me.
Later, when we’re smoking, Jeremy interrupts the silence by saying, “You gonna come on Saturday? I just mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
I’m perched against the planter outside the building. When I straighten up, the stone catches on my sweater and I feel a thread pull. I hope I haven’t just ruined the sweater.
“You think I shouldn’t?” I ask, disappointed, but then maybe Jeremy knows that I shouldn’t, that I wouldn’t know what to do at a party like that. He knows better than I if I have any chance of fitting in there. But I want to go, because sometimes I feel like I’m kind of missing out on high school.