The Best Buddhist Writing 2010 - Melvin McLeod [82]
Sometimes when we sit and pay attention to our breath, ego tries to jeopardize our path. Ego tells us, “Well this is too simple. You are getting nowhere. There is nothing special happening here. There are no fireworks. This is not going to lead anywhere.” Ego is trying to seduce us into chasing some beautiful exotic illusion. But if we just surrender and remain in that present awareness, paying attention to our breath, then amazingly the self dies. There is no longer a self who says, “I don’t like what is going on. I don’t like this ordinary moment. I don’t like just sitting here paying attention to breath.” The “I” who doesn’t like what is unfolding is completely gone and that is all that matters in the ultimate sense.
When self dissolves, everything is already awakened. Trees are awakened, rocks are awakened, birds are enlightened, and the clouds in the sky are enlightened. When the Buddha had this moment of complete realization, he discovered that this whole universe is already enlightened. More than that, he realized that every particle on the ground is enlightened. He saw that every particle is a Buddha paradise. In each particle there are billions and trillions of Buddha paradises. In each of those particles there are billions of buddhas residing. This whole universe becomes suddenly enlightened and perfect just as it is.
That does not mean that we are going to be completely lost in some kind of spiritual trance, losing our common sense, driving through red lights, wearing socks on our head, and so forth. Of course ego will tell us not to completely surrender our ordinary, self-grasping mind because there will be retribution. Ego is always trying to warn us not to be completely awake. A little bit awake is OK but not completely awake. Ego has many ways to convince us not to become totally awake. Sometimes it will give us treats by letting us get intoxicated by spiritual highs masquerading as true awakening. Other times it will strike us with terrors of doubt and despair, throwing us into a darkness that negates all aspiration.
The hindrances to inner awakening can be so subtle they are almost unperceivable and usually they sneak through the back door. Many spiritual traditions teach us that we cannot be free in this lifetime. But even if they teach us that it is possible, they make it sound like it is some kind of a super attainment unlikely for us to reach. Some even go to the extreme of saying that it can only be achieved by surrendering to an outer authority. As long as we believe those rumors, we’re not going anywhere but in circles. Our practice won’t amount to anything more than a dog chasing his tail.
As meditators we can relate to those situations. When we have been practicing meditation for a long time, we know many moments when we have experienced extraordinary transformations and awakening inside. But part of us really doesn’t want to completely renounce our attachment to suffering. We don’t want to fully dissolve into that great truth, emptiness.
Part of us wants to hold on to that last attachment. We want to awake a little but not completely. It’s convenient for ego not to awaken completely but this is the only way to liberation. Sooner or later we have to completely awaken. That means that we have to completely dissolve into that great emptiness, the ultimate truth of nothingness, without holding on to anything, not even enlightenment, not even confusion about liberation or truth. We have to let go of all of it. How do we do it? When we try to get rid of it, it doesn’t work. It backfires