The Best Buddhist Writing 2010 - Melvin McLeod [83]
When we pray, what we are doing is invoking the spirit of devotion. Devotion is about no longer resisting anything. We are no longer trying to hold the composure of this illusory entity, ego or self. Self is always collapsing and dissolving in each and every moment. It dissolves if we leave it as it is because it’s not real from the very beginning. It’s already unreal. It’s already collapsing. When we try to construct and maintain the illusion of self, then we suffer quite a lot. We experience insecurity and madness because we are trying to uphold something that is already falling apart. Self is already falling apart. Suffering is already falling apart. And who is it that works so hard twenty-four hours a day trying to keep samsara together while complaining about it at the same time? Who is that person?
There is a bit of a dichotomy here. It’s confusing too because we come to the spiritual path with a lot of enthusiasm and determination. We are complaining about samsara, our misery, and we are looking desperately for liberation. At the same time, we must remember that samsara is already falling apart. We may wonder how that can be. I have been stuck in it for many lifetimes. This vicious cycle is not falling apart on its own. The question is actually, “Who is the self? Who is the one who is trying to maintain that samsara?” Samsara is really very high maintenance. It costs lots of headaches and heartaches to maintain. Who is this self trying to construct samsara? Who is that person? Well, actually they don’t exist.
A while ago I was giving a weekend meditation retreat and a middle-aged lady approached me during one of the breaks. “Are you asking us to die?” I answered, “Absolutely!” while joining my palms and bowing toward her in reverence. “You got the message, that’s it. There is nothing more to learn.” When I looked up, I saw her face lighting up in a beautiful smile. No doubt she knew the way to liberation at that moment. One has to allow this illusory self to die again and again.
This death is deeper than physical death. This death allows all of our anguish to dissolve forever. It is not the end of something. It is the beginning of a life where the flower of love and intelligence blossoms. One of my friends used to tell me that the only way that one can be a true spiritual teacher is to give up every idea that one is a teacher. He is absolutely right. You have to renounce the idea, “I am a Dharma teacher.” He used to tell me that when we are able to completely transcend and cut through even that idea, then we can be great Dharma teachers. So what he was basically talking about is dissolving the attachment to any identification. Imagine that we have a very strong belief in our identity or role in society. Imagine that you are a boss or a CEO.
Imagine that you are considered a beautiful woman or that you believe you are a young person. Imagine that you are heavily identified with one of those illusions of who you are. See how much suffering and anxiety you can go through just trying to secure and maintain that identity. Many people want to be the boss, a leader in this conventional world. Many people want to be elected mayor or president because then that becomes their identity. And many people inflict much pain and suffering on other people in order to sustain that identity.
Throughout history leaders have sometimes served as amazing archetypes or models demonstrating how destructive and dangerous ego identity can be. Millions of people have lost their lives and suffered greatly because of people fighting over a position. What is a position? It is unreal. It’s illusory. Attachment to any identity