The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [16]
ARTICLE 137
When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros.
THE PIZZA EQUATION
p= number of pizzas (rounded up to nearest integer)
b= number of Bros (including yourself)
Equation assumes Bro hunger coefficient (h):
m= gravitational mass of the Bro
t= time elapsed since Bro last ate
Equation assumes no hunger rate of change, which is fully expressed in Stinson’s Pizza Integral:
ARTICLE 138
A real Bro doesn’t laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin.
EXCEPTION: Unless he doesn’t know the guy.
ARTICLE 139
Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, “Broadway” begins with “Bro.”
ARTICLE 140
A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date.
THE LEMON LAW
The Lemon Law is a little-known dating loophole that allows a Bro to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. How many times has a Bro set you up with a blind date who winds up looking like the unmasked Predator? Now, with the Lemon Law, you no longer need to sit through that kind of torture or waste any of the Predator’s time. Simply present your date with a Lemon Law card, and you’re out the door.
ARTICLE 141
A Bro can only get a manicure if (a) he’s trying to sleep with the hot Asian woman performing the manicure, or (b) it’s been longer than a month since his last manicure. It’s called the Bro Code, not the Slob Code.
ARTICLE 142
A Bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.
ARTICLE 143
When executing a high five, a Bro is forbidden from intertwining fingers or grasping his Bro’s hand.
BROETRY CORNER
“Hai-Five-Ku”
One two three four five
Raise each one high in the air
Smack and release, Bro
ARTICLE 144
It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it’s still unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoonage by arm wrestling* to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided, each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night.
ARTICLE 145
A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text, or email in a timely fashion.
ARTICLE 146
A Bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his Bros.
Providing graphic detail when describing a sexual feat unconsciously forces your Bros to picture you naked…and there’s no coming back from that.
HOW DETAILED CAN YOU GET?
LEVEL
SAMPLE DIALOGUE
ACCEPTABLE?
Vague
“Got laid last night.”
Moderate
“Totally got laid last night.”
Specific
“She put her [censored] on my [censored], which made my [censored] [censored] [censored]ly.”
ARTICLE 147
If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro’s back.
EXCEPTION: If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary-looking guy.
EXCEPTION: If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week.
EXCEPTION: If the Bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody’s back.
ARTICLE 148
A Bro doesn’t listen to chick music…in front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyche, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time.
ARTICLE 149
A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars.
CIGAR WORD SEARCH
A C H U R C H I L L B O
F F G E T O B A C C O L
I E W P S C J G O R U X
C Z T R C T T L T W Q Y
I R L E W I N S K Y U R
O M H S B R A F T U E R
N T U I B C B R O Q T I
A E M D L G U S V T E L
D R I E E Y C U T T E R
O U D N M A T R K V H N
P I O T L J W K O Z R Y
F R R E N H Y E Y L R Z
Tobacco
Churchill
Bouquet
Lewinsky
Humidor
Fidel Castro
Cuban
Cutter
Presidente
Aficionado