The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [15]
I got Cinderella’s number early. I was afraid her melons would turn into pumpkins at midnight.
ARTICLE 128
A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination, or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, it’s preferred that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code…half naked from the waist up, naturally.
ARTICLE 129
If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.
ARTICLE 130
If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay.
ARTICLE 131
While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car’s ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to passersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he’ll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives.
ARTICLE 132
If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancée and results in a “no sex” penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ.
A bride thinks of her wedding day as the happiest day of her life. A groom thinks of his wedding day as the saddest: his marriage signifies the death of Broing out with his Bros. But there’s a simple way for the groom to send his Bros out with a bang…bridesmaids.
Squeezed into ugly identical dresses, bridesmaids have one goal: to get out of them. Studies have shown that a cocktail of jealousy, Bros in formal wear, and well, cocktails make a bridesmaid one of the most accessible chicks on the planet.
ARTICLE 133
A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro.
EXCEPTION: “Pull my finger.”
ARTICLE 134
A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman.
Since the dawn of man, Bros have spoken in hushed tones about a wingman with powers so awesome, one wink could summon a dozen hotties to your side. I’m speaking, of course, about the wingwoman. Think of it—if your wingman already knows what women want to hear, isn’t that an advantage far greater than having a lot of money, a full head of hair, or even a speedboat? Yes, and the best part is that wingwomen do exist. To acquire one, though, you’ll need to overcome the sexist misconceptions that so often scare chicks away from helping Bros bang other chicks.
THE WINGWOMAN: TRUE OR FALSE?
A wingwoman has to pee too much.
False A chick’s bladder is smaller but easier to control. How else can a theaterful of chicks sit through The Lake House?
A wingwoman never buys drinks.
True But your expenses are offset by other dudes buying her drinks.
A wingwoman is distracted by gossip.
False What Bros see as just high-pitched prattle, women read as a complex discussion held secretly in body language.
A wingwoman will seem like my girlfriend.
True But nothing attracts women more than a dude with a girlfriend.
ARTICLE 135
If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: (1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction, or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.
ARTICLE 136
When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested “It was okay.”
COROLLARY: A Bro never brings a camera to a bachelor party. The only memento a Bro is allowed to bring home from a bachelor party is one that can only be destroyed by penicillin.