The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [14]
“You Give Love a Bad Name”
—Bon Jovi
“I Wanna Rock”—Twisted Sister
“The Humpty Dance”
—Digital Underground
“Don’t Stop Believin’”—Journey
“You’re the Best Around”
—Joe Esposito
“Lick It Up”—KISS
“Paradise City”—Guns N’ Roses
“Tom Sawyer”—Rush
“The Transformers Theme”
—Vince DiCola with Optimus Prime
“Dancing with Myself”
—Billy Idol
“Rock You Like a Hurricane”
—Scorpions
“Come Sail Away”—Styx
“Free Bird” (second half only)
—Lynyrd Skynyrd
“Panama”—Van Halen
“Jessie’s Girl”—Rick Springfield
“Talk Dirty to Me”—Poison
“Thunderstruck”—AC/DC
“High Enough”
—Damn Yankees
“Hip Hop Hooray”
—Naughty By Nature
“Dr. Feelgood”—Mötley Crüe
“Round and Round”—Ratt
ARTICLE 123
Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from “Beat It,” which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.
ARTICLE 124
If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Browling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.
ARTICLE 125
If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro Train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.
ARTICLE 126
In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.
PRE–STRIP CLUB CHECKLIST
Converted sufficient funds to singles in the local currency.
Hid ATM and credit cards deep in wallet yet still accessible in case of rare “twins” scenario.
Got drunk.
Planted fake “movie producer” business cards on person where they might “accidentally” fall out into cleavage of dancer(s).
Pledged to avoid dancers with names like Smokey, Hepatitia, and Thunder.
Turned off heat/AC in apartment, saving both utility costs and the environment.
Not wearing jeans.
Read in-depth synopsis of movie girlfriend thinks you’re going to see.
ARTICLE 127
A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying “I love you, man” to all his Bros.
MAC—Memory Assistance and/or Correction—often comes into play around the holidays because when people gather together with loved ones, the need to drink alcohol increases exponentially.
Halloween is a time when Bros are especially susceptible to memory loss due to the lethal combination of abundant sweet things, liquor, and of course, candy. In fact, one year I awoke with four new phone numbers but no idea who gave them to me. Fortunately, based on the times I saved the numbers into my phone and a few hazy memories of the four different costumes I wore at the party the night before, I was able to create a logic matrix.
I dressed up as a Viking, a ninja, Teddy Roosevelt, and of course my old standby, Gandhi, and in each costume I picked up a different chick: a slutty nun, a slutty Cinderella, a slutty slut, and a slutty some-kind-of-creature with ears and a tail.
To work the puzzle, put an “X” in the box when you’ve ruled it out based on the clues. For example, Clue 1 says I didn’t wake up in my ninja costume, so the Ninja/2:21 AM box is already crossed out. Hint: Some clues will allow you to put an “X” in more than one box.
WHAT I REMEMBERED
I didn’t wake up in my ninja costume, but I know I ended the night with some tail.
The slutty slut was gone by November 1, so she missed my scrumptious Gandhi…she too would go hungry.
Both Cinderella and the nun were intrigued by my sword. I was still seeing throwing stars as I changed into my Viking costume.
When I first entered the party, I spoke softly to hotties and showed them my “big