The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [13]
ARTICLE 110
If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome.
You and your Bros will undoubtedly face many seemingly insurmountable challenges on your quest to score a one-night stand. Here are some techniques to make them mountable.
TROUBLESHOOTING THE ONE-NIGHT STAND
PROBLEM
FIX
I forgot her name
Have a Bro introduce himself and listen closely. Note: Choose your ugliest Bro.
She rejected my drink offer
Offer her breakfast in bed as an alternative. If she doesn’t acquiesce, say you were kidding.
She’s having a girls’ night out
Identify and target the reason for the girls’ night out—the recently dumped chick
The lights came on—she’s ugly
Squint hard. If she asks what you’re doing, say you forgot your glasses or you’re just deeply concerned about the environment or something
ARTICLE 111
If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email, the Bro will sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random contacts and then deleting all sent messages.
ARTICLE 112
A Bro doesn’t sing along to music in a bar.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may participate in karaoke.
EXCEPTION TO EXCEPTION: No chick songs.
ARTICLE 113
A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick.
ACCEPTABLE AGE-DIFFERENCE FORMULA
x ≤ y/2 + 7
x = chick’s age; y = Bro’s age
This formula limits crafty old-timers from scooping up all the younger hotties, while also preventing Bros from seeing a crusty old man with a hot chick and being forced to imagine them getting it on in his adjustable bed.
AGE-DIFFERENCE REFERENCE CHART (for your wallet)
ARTICLE 114
If a Bro must crash on his Bro’s couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.
ARTICLE 115
A “clothing optional” beach doesn’t really mean “clothing optional” for Bros.
ARTICLE 116
A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bro’s chances to score with a chick.
Every Bro is endowed with a right to life and a right to pursue hot chicks. Violating either of these God-given rights is a heinous offense that could result in the strictest penalty recognized in the Bro Code: loss of permanent shotgun status.
ARTICLE 117
A Bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control. If another Bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fool’s errand of getting up to manually change the channel.
COROLLARY: It is fully expected a Bro will try anything to gain possession of the remote, up to and including an attempt to flatulently smoke his Bro(s) out of the room.
ARTICLE 118
When a Bro is with his Bros, he is not a vegetarian.
ARTICLE 119
When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise, it is unacceptable for two Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar…a Brotorcycle.
ARTICLE 120
A Bro always calls another Bro by his last name.
EXCEPTION: If a Bro’s last name is also a racial epithet.
ARTICLE 121
Even if he’s never skied before, a Bro doesn’t trifle with the bunny slope.
COROLLARY: If a Bro experiences a catastrophic wipeout, he can always blame his bindings or the “conditions.”
ARTICLE 122
A Bro is always psyched. Always.
If you’re having trouble getting psyched, or you need to get a Bro psyched, you can always make yourself a “Get Psyched” mix.
CLASSIC “GET PSYCHED SONGS