The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [2]
BOOK OF BARNABAS 1:1
And everything of need was provided in the Garden. Fruit, water, companionship. But one day, Adam came upon a naked chick, Eve, and desired her olive leaf. And so Adam wenteth behind an apple tree to know Eve, totally ditching his Bro, Phil, who had Knicks tickets. Courtside. Long story short, humankind became self-aware, paradise was lost, and well, we all know what happened to the Knicks.
ARTICLE 2
A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.
NOTE: Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of that cabin alone, people would have been like, “Dude, come on.” If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would’ve been like, “Dude, come on.” If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early days of Mötley Crüe, people would have been like, “Lady, come on.” The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place.
ARTICLE 3
If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.
COROLLARY: Naming a lapdog after a pro wrestler or a character from a Steve McQueen movie does not absolve a Bro from the spirit of this article.
ARTICLE 4
A Bro never divulges the existence of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason…no, not even that reason.
NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math.
Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is—a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we’re from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.* Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.
ARTICLE 5
Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.
ARTICLE 6
A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room.
COROLLARY: If a Bro gets naked in the locker room, all other Bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while, at the same time, immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage: “If a towel drops to the floor, so should your eyes.”
ARTICLE 7
A Bro never admits he can’t drive stick. Even after an accident.
ARTICLE 8
A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.
There are no sentiments between Bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassion that succinctly get the message across without costing you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual greeting card.
EMAILS FOR ANY BROCCASION
SYMPATHY
To:
Bro
From:
Bro
Subject:
Dude
Sorry, Bro.
CONGRATULATIONS
To:
Bro
From:
Bro
Subject:
Bro!
Nice, Bro!
GET WELL SOON
To:
Bro
From:
Bro
Subject:
Bro…
Don’t give up, Bro.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
To:
Bro
From:
Bro
Subject:
Dude
Drinks on me, Bro.
THINKING OF YOU
To:
N/A
From:
N/A
Subject:
N/A
N/A
ARTICLE 9
Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as “Gimme three!” or “Wow, quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball.” It’s still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls…metaphorically speaking, of course.
ARTICLE 10
A Bro will drop whatever he’s doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.
It’s normal for a Bro to get confused and disoriented when dumping a chick. For some reason he’s worried she’ll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty of chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous,