The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [3]
SIDE-BRO: HOW TO DUMP A CHICK IN SIX WORDS OR LESS
“Maybe try a side salad instead.”
“Cute! You’re growing a mustache, too!”
“She looks like a younger you.”
“I will finance a boob job.”
“Sorry I threw out your shoes.”
“Your sister let me do that.”
ARTICLE 11
A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are—in most cases, stuck in a doorway.
ARTICLE 12
Bros do not share dessert.
ARTICLE 13
All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman.
MIX AND MATCH: FAMOUS WINGMEN
Michael Jordan
Scooby
Snoopy
Dan Quayle
Han Solo
Hot Wings
George H. W. Bush
Woodstock
Bert
Chewbacca
Shaggy
Scottie Pippen
Beer
Ernie
ARTICLE 14
If a chick inquires about another Bro’s sexual history, a Bro shall honor the Brode of Silence and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than to tell the truth.
ARTICLE 15
A Bro never dances with his hands above his head.
ARTICLE 16
A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series, and Playmate of the Year.
ARTICLE 17
A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him on the Pyramid of Screaming.
America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can’t just scream at anybody…you can only scream at those beneath you. To illustrate how it works, here’s the Scream Pyramid for a professional football team:
It’s no different inside the office, as exemplified by my own corporate Scream Pyramid:
Here is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. If you’re not sure where you fit, you can always trick a Bro-worker into screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That’s how I figured out I was above the VP of Synergy.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If you find yourself at the bottom, don’t fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that you can always add a layer to the foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man, or anyone who doesn’t speak English is a great place to start.
ARTICLE 18
If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group.
NOTE: To avoid confrontation, it’s a good idea for the Bro to jettison the receipt before returning to the party.
ARTICLE 19
A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!”
COROLLARY: It’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over.
CHECKLIST FOR BRO-PROOFING YOUR HOME
Hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms, and first cousins.
Open liquor bottles and dust the bar area to give the impression you actually use it.
As a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to the bathroom.
Scan DVR playlist and remove embarrassing television programs like daytime talk shows.
Open all windows.
Display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality.
Disconnect answering machine, or…
Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive.
Coasters, coasters, coasters!
Sign out of email account.
Usher girlfriend/booty call off the premises.
ARTICLE 20
A Bro respects his Bros in the military because they’ve selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.
ARTICLE 21
A Bro never shares observations about another Bro’s smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying, “She’s smoking-hot, huh?” a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he’s the only one who should be baiting.
ARTICLE 22
There