The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [5]
ARTICLE 29
If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.
ARTICLE 30
A Bro doesn’t comparison shop.
ARTICLE 31
When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know.
CURRENT HOT CHICK RATINGS
ARTICLE 32
A Bro doesn’t allow another Bro to get married until he’s at least thirty.
ARTICLE 33
When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, “What is this, a chicks’ restroom?” if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball…rebounding is optional.
ARTICLE 34
Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil’s threeway devil’s threeway.
ARTICLE 35
A Bro never rents a chick flick.
ARTICLE 36 DD
When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts.
When in conversation with a woman, fake breasts may arise, but not in the way that you’d like. It’s not uncommon for a woman to deftly use trick questions in order to probe a Bro’s real thoughts on the subject of breast augmentation.* And don’t be fooled into thinking your prepared speech on the beauty of the natural human form can get you out of it.
HOW TO HANDLE FAKE BREASTS
Chick:
Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro:
Totally. Unnatural is un sexy.
Chick:
So you’ve been staring at her breasts, huh?
Chick:
Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro:
Whose?
Chick:
You know who I’m talking about.
Bro:
Oh. Yes, those must be fake.
Chick:
So you’ve been staring at her breasts, huh?
Chick:
Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro:
No?
Chick:
Well, then, why don’t you just go marry her, then???
Chick:
Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro:
I wouldn’t know.
Chick:
Oh. Well, they are.
ARTICLE 37
A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they’re not that heavy.
ARTICLE 38
Even in a fight to the death, a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.
ARTICLE 39
When a Bro gets a chick’s number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.
SIDE-BRO: ASK UNCLE BARNEY
Q:
I’m confused—if a woman gives me her phone number, doesn’t that mean she wants me to call her? Why do I have to wait so long?
A:
Broflation—an unreasonable increase in female expectations about how Bros should act. You call a woman the next day, she tells her friends you called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. Before you know it, Bros the world over will find themselves trapped in relationships, and all because you couldn’t wait ninety-six little hours.
Q:
Okay, I’ve waited ninety-six hours. When’s the best time of day to call?
A:
Call during the middle of the day. You’ll have a better chance of catching her voice mail, which ultimately means less conversation. With any luck you’ll be able to set something up without ever having to talk to her. Note: Never call after 9 PM—late-night phone calls are the province of the booty call, and only the booty call. See Article 92 for further elaboration.
Q:
I’ve always heard you wait three days?
Why does the Bro Code specify four?
A:
If you’ve always heard that a Bro