The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [6]
ARTICLE 40
Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as “a bachelor party.”
ARTICLE 41
A Bro never cries.
EXCEPTIONS: Watching Field of Dreams, E.T., or a sports legend retire.*
ARTICLE 42
Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or Bro hug, but never a full embrace.
EXECUTING A BRO HUG
Step 1:
Interlocking hand clasp
Step 2:
Lean torsos together, maintaining safe groin perimeter
Step 3:
One pat on the back
ARTICLE 43
A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn’t America.
ARTICLE 44
A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro.
EXCEPTION: If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.
ARTICLE 45
A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club.
WHY A BRO NEVER WEARS JEANS TO A STRIP CLUB
Cloth pockets are roomier and more elastic, allowing for a thicker wad of cash.
Denim clashes with a club’s leopard, zebra, or other safari animal motif.
One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER: zipper.
It’s a performance, and deserves respect. These erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art. Would you wear dungarees to a ballet?*
You don’t feel it as much on your kazoo.
ARTICLE 46
If a Bro is seated next to some dude who’s stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.
ARTICLE 47
A Bro never wears pink.
Not even in Europe.
ARTICLE 48
A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he’s banged.
COROLLARY: A Bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.
When a chick meets a Bro, there are three things she wants to know:
How much money does he make?
Is he shorter than her?
How many chicks has he banged?
Eventually, she will figure out the first two, but a Bro never answers the third question. If, however, a Bro feels compelled to answer (i.e., sex is being withheld until he supplies a tally), he can calculate an acceptable number using the following formula:
HOW MANY CHICKS IS IT SAFE FOR A BRO TO SAY HE’S BANGED?
n = (a/10 + s)0 + 5
n = number of chicks
a = Bro’s age
s = inquiring chick’s slut factor (1 = nun, 10 = former nun)
ARTICLE 49
When asked, “Do you need some help?” a Bro shall automatically respond, “I got it,” whether or not he’s actually got it.
EXCEPTIONS: Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car, loading an expensive TV into an expensive car.
ARTICLE 50
If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro’s undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.
ARTICLE 51
A Bro checks out another Bro’s blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.
If you can’t get a Bro to scope out your blind date beforehand, there is a way to at least learn how promiscuous she’ll be—have her choose the date venue.
BLIND DATE TRANSLATIONS
SHE SUGGESTS…
PROMISCUITY
SHE’LL BE…
Dance Club
10
Scantily clad, sweaty, and impossible to hear over the music. A+
Drinks at a Bar
7
A lot of fun, or emotionally unstable…promising either way.
Fancy Restaurant
3
Boring. If she expects someone to “pepper her salad” and “refold her napkin,” it stands to reason she’ll be pretty lifeless in the bedroom.
Meet the Parents
1
Untouchable. But, maybe her mom isn’t.
Miniature Golf
5
Way too competitive, or a lesbian…and not the hot kind of lesbian.
Church
0 or 10
Looking for marriage, or looking to sin it up before confession. Toss up.
ARTICLE