The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [8]
In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect another Bro to use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity (except the act of coitus itself—whereby the Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible), in order to respond with a panoply of options at the Bro in need’s location. A Bro must utilize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a bicycle* be used as this is not only humiliating but also potentially harmful to the perineum—a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to the sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro’s location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro’s “flow,” or Brojo. Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, high five. Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be mentioned again, unless it’s part of an awesome story.
ARTICLE 64
A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the latter Bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.
ARTICLE 65
A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros.
EXCEPTION: A Bro is off the hook if his Bro orders a drink that arrives with an umbrella in it.
ARTICLE 66
If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, his Bros shall offer no more than a “that sucks, man” and copious quantities of beer. To eliminate the possibility of any awkward moments in the future, his Bros shall also refrain from any pejorative commentary—deserved or not—regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite backslide window has fully closed.
ARTICLE 67
Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.
ARTICLE 68
If a Bro be on a hot streak hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own personal records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent.
EXCEPTION: Dry spell trumps hot streak.
ARTICLE 69
Duh.
ARTICLE 70
A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro’s trip or general well-being.
ARTICLE 71
As a courtesy to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party.
THREE BROS ARE COOL
FOUR BROS ARE LAME
Three Amigos
Mount Rushmore
Three Musketeers
The Fantastic Four (feature film version)
The Police
The Monkees
Apollo 13 Astronauts
Olympic Bobsled Team
Three Stooges
Michael Jordan’s Teammates
(Exception: Hanson)
(Exception: The Beatles)
BROETRY CORNER
One Bro makes a solo attack.
A second Bro provides a crutch.
A third Bro rounds out the pack,
But a fourth Bro is one too much.
ARTICLE 72
A Bro never spell-checks.
ARTICLE 73
When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored