The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [9]
ARTICLE 74
At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way, if another Bro is several cars behind, he’ll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the light turns red again.
ARTICLE 75
A Bro automatically enhances another Bro’s job description when introducing him to a chick.
Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity, and sometimes—with the help of extensive makeup and structural lingerie—even their body shape. As such, it’s fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Brofession. It’s also smart: a Bro’s career is to a chick what a chick’s boobs are to a Bro.
HOW TO INVENT A JOB CHICKS WILL THINK IS HOT
UNIVERSAL CHICK INTERESTS
YOUR JOB
“I invented the walk-in closet.”
“I’m a muscular ice cream tycoon.”
“I design shoes for diabetic cats.”
ARTICLE 76
If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say “I love you,” he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic, Barry White–esque tone.
ARTICLE 77
Bros don’t cuddle.
EXCEPTION: To conserve body heat in an emergency situation.
ARTICLE 78
A Bro shall never rack jack* his wingman.
To commemorate and solidify the unbreakable bond between Bro and wingman, it is recommended that before going out, each faces the other, places his left hand on The Bro Code, raises his right hand, and recites the Wingman Pledge.
THE WINGMAN PLEDGE
I shall uphold the Bro Code to the fullest of my ability.
I will never allow my wingman to go home with less than a six.
I agree to swap rounds of drinks with my wingman, even if I keep getting stuck paying for shots.
I will never rack jack my wingman, no matter how hot the chick.
I pledge to never leave a wingman behind when invited to a party.
If my wingman meets a hot chick with an ugly friend, I will jump on the grenade.
If my wingman gets rejected by a chick, I shall unequivocally agree that she sucked anyway, even if I thought she seemed kind of cool and interesting.
Should my wingman strike up a conversation with a chick of a questionable legal age, I will endeavor to ascertain and verify her birth date.
If I discover evidence that my wingman’s chick is in a relationship, I shall make that information available to him, unless it’s pretty clear the boyfriend/husband isn’t there.
I shall honor and respect the dibs system.
ARTICLE 79
At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall lightheartedly pretend he’s not horrified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots.*
COROLLARY: If a Bro’s date should catch the bouquet, he shall act excited (if he wishes to sleep with her ever again) before scurrying to the bar to join the garter Bro for a very stiff drink and/or shots.
ARTICLE 80
A Bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle*, short of completing the tricycle himself.
RULES FOR RIDING THE TRICYCLE
The aggregate age of all three participants shall not exceed eighty-three years.
The aggregate weight of all three participants shall be less than 400 pounds/181.44 kg.
No money or other considerations may be exchanged for services rendered.
Pregnant women shall consult with their physician before riding the tricycle.
No wheel of the tricycle shall be within three branches of another’s family tree.
No black-soled sneakers.
Female participants shall refrain from destroying the illusion that this is new to them.
Kitchen appliances