The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [10]
Participants must shower before riding the tricycle, and definitely after.
ARTICLE 81
A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros.
ARTICLE 82
If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to “take it back” or “apologize” to make amends. That’s inhuman.
ARTICLE 83
A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever “love” thy neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.
EXCEPTIONS
Co-worker is an eight or better
You are co-worker’s superior
Co-worker dresses a little slutty
Getting fired from job not such a bad thing
Company recently sued for sexual harassment—unlikely to happen again
Someone makes a bet that you can’t
You are switching floors soon
You and co-worker get stuck in elevator
You hit the emergency button and get “stuck” in the elevator with co-worker
Co-worker going to be fired, or soon will be, after you sabotage co-worker’s files
You mixed it up with co-worker before becoming co-workers
Co-worker hits on you
You are in a little bit of a rut, romantically speaking
Co-worker going through divorce
Co-worker looking pretty good lately
Co-worker not offended when you “accidentally” email provocative pictures of self to office
ARTICLE 84
A Bro shall stop whatever he’s doing and watch Die Hard if it’s on TV.
COROLLARY: Ditto The Shawshank Redemption.
COROLLARY: Also Top Gun, The Big Lebowski, and the first half of Full Metal Jacket.
COROLLARY: And porn. Duh.
ARTICLE 85
If a Bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his Bros.
COROLLARY: His Bros are required to whistle, even if they have no idea what they’re whistling at.
ARTICLE 86
When a Bro meets a chick, he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale before pursuing her.
The theory of evolution alleges that men evolved from monkeys…but what about women? It seems that as men became less hairy, more upright, and less interested in throwing their own poo, women became more attractive but somehow more crazy.
Today’s chicks like to straddle the line between hot and crazy: the hotter they are, the crazier they are; the crazier they are, the hotter they seem. All of this is confusing to a Bro and, very often, dangerous. How is a Bro to know whether a chick is hot and crazy in a “let’s duck into the bathroom” kind of way, or hot and crazy in a “let’s huff paint and stalk your ex-girlfriends” kind of way?
Fortunately, I’ve devised a test that allows Bros to quickly determine where a chick fits on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Answer yes or no to each question in the columns, add up your “yes” answers, and then plot the coordinates on the Hot/Crazy Scale. Ideally, your chick is right on the line, but if she’s anywhere above it, run away.
HOT VS. CRAZY
THE HOT/CRAZY SCALE
ARTICLE 87
A Bro never questions another Bro’s stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. He can, however, ask the Bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.
ARTICLE 88
If a Bro, for whatever reason, must drive another Bro’s car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirement results in the Bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would.
ARTICLE 89
A Bro shall always say yes in support of a Bro.
When out and about, you must be prepared to affirm anything a Bro tells a chick. “Yes, he’s single.” “Yes, we’re Navy SEALs.” “Yes, he invented Facebook.” While this usually entails stretching the truth about personal wealth, athletic prowess, or the ability to operate various aircraft, on occasion you’ll be required to pretend you’re from out of town. If you can stomach dressing up like someone’s dad, pretending to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks…if you’re ready with a believable