The Bro Code - Barney Stinson [11]
HOW TO SOUND LIKE A TOURIST
ARTICLE 90
A Bro shows up at another Bro’s party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. So if a Bro plans on chugging a six-pack, he shall bring a six-pack plus at least one can of beer. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.
ARTICLE 91
If a group of Bros suspect that their Bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call him by an adjacent yet more demeaning nickname.
ARTICLE 92
A Bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance.
To maintain the purity of such a beautiful, impersonal, and vapid relationship, a Bro never becomes emotionally attached to his booty call.
HOW TO KEEP A BOOTY CALL A BOOTY CALL
DON’T
WHY?
Buy her anything…not even a drink.
Gifts imply consideration and forethought—a booty call should never feel like more than a reflexive impulse, like a sneeze or a gag.
Refer to your booty call as your “booty call.”
Some human beings—particularly women—like to think there’s more to sex than sex.
Stick around after sex.
A booty call is strictly business. Once the transaction has taken place, anything else is superfluous, inefficient, and awkward.
Call again if your booty call doesn’t respond that night.
Two calls imply something bad has happened: like you’ve been diagnosed with an STD or want to take her out on a date.
Call more than twice a month.
In some countries, this is considered marriage.
Think about her before midnight.
Idle thoughts can lead to a relationship.
Agree to meet on any other night than when you call.
That is called a date.
ARTICLE 93
Bros don’t speak French to one another.
ARTICLE 94
If a Bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another Bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees.
ARTICLE 95
A Bro shall alert another Bro to the presence of a chesty woman, regardless of whether or not he knows the Bro. Such alerts may not be administered verbally.
HOW TO SIGNAL WHEN BOOBS ARE PRESENT
THE SHOE TAP—To be avoided in public restrooms
THE EYE REDIRECT
THE SWIFT SHIN KICK—D cups and up only, please
ARTICLE 96
Bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire.
NOTE: Attempt to start a fire outside.
ARTICLE 97
Where a Bro went to college is going to kick his Bro’s college’s ass all over the field this weekend.
ARTICLE 98
A Bro never lies to his Bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event.
SIDE-BRO: THE BRO WHO CRIED “HOT CHICKS”
There once lived a Bro who would text his Bros: “Hot chicks in the bar tonight!” When his Bros would arrive to wingman him, he would laugh at them for there were no hot chicks, just, like, a lot of dudes or something. The Bro did this a couple of times because he thought it was hysterical—and it kind of is—until one night he walked into the bar to discover a Hawaiian Tropic calendar shoot taking place. The Bro texted his Bros in terror: “Dudes, seriously need a wingman right now…hot-chick calendar shoot!” But this time his Bros paid no heed to his cry, nor did they leave their video game marathon to assist him. The Bro tried to score a bikini babe on his own, but with no wingman, he was torn to pieces by the entire flock.
There is no believing a Bro who lies about hot chicks, even when he speaks the truth.
ARTICLE 99
A Bro never asks for directions when lost.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick who seems to know the area.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if she also appears lost.
EXCEPTION: A Bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he is not lost at all.
ARTICLE 100
When pulling up to a stoplight, a Bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection.
COROLLARY: If there happens to be a hot chick