The Caged Virgin - Ayaan Hirsi Ali [63]
THE PREPARATION
1. Freedom Is a Choice
Ask yourself these questions: Do I really want to leave? Why do I want to leave? Are there no other options? Check whether mediation is a possibility. You want the choice to leave your parents’ home or your husband’s to be based on more than just dissatisfaction with the present situation at home. For there will be serious repercussions if you leave, although the consequences are possibly more serious if you stay. You must, therefore, take the time to answer these questions honestly for yourself. Undoubtedly, you love your family. Yet you must be ready to accept that your actions will make your parents sad. You will be blamed for disgracing them and upsetting the whole family. Your family will do absolutely everything in their power to get you back: they will try to talk you into changing your mind, threaten to ostracize you, tell you that you have incurred a curse, and possibly use violence. Do not underestimate the power of this kind of emotional and moral blackmail. You will have to put up with comments of this kind. “Since you left, Mummy has become so ill that she can’t sleep anymore.” Or, “Your father is so depressed and ashamed he has trouble going to work or seeing the rest of the family.” Or, “You are ruining your sister’s chance to marry into a good family.” Or, “Your little brother was beaten up yesterday when he tried to defend your character.” Prepare yourself.
Explore your options. Take a good look at your position at home. Make a list of all the risks. You are particularly at risk if you come from a large family with a relatively high number of men who are deeply attached to their sense of honor and insist on strict religious principles. If your father happens to be an important man in the family, you are at an even bigger risk. If, on the other hand, you come from a family with a strong sense of honor but relatively few men, you are in a better position. But be careful not to underestimate the power of women’s gossip to influence both sexes: they will pass on everything and turn the men against you.
If you know how the grapevine works—who will talk to whom about what, what is frowned upon, et cetera—then you can protect yourself by making sure that you do not become the subject of the gossip. This is important if you want to succeed.
Confront your own weaknesses: How good is your health? What is your temperament like: are you hot-tempered, or do you have good self-control, and do you adjust well to new situations? If you have good self-control, you are more likely to leave well prepared (and to persevere). Remember, self-control and self-sufficiency are things you can learn.
Think about how you can keep your plans hidden for as long as possible: How much time do you get to yourself each day? Does your family notice if you are gone for a few hours? Are you good at thinking up convincing excuses, at telling your parents what they want to hear? Should you perhaps wear a headscarf in order to “keep the peace” until you leave?
Realize that once you have left, you will not be able to go back (at least not for a while). And you should not go back, no matter what they say and promise. You will be in more danger from them after you return—possibly fatal danger. So the most important question you need to ask yourself is, Do I really want to leave?
2. Faith
You have decided that you want to live on your own. You will need to have faith. To begin with, you need to have faith in yourself. You will have moments of doubt, fear, and even regret. This is normal. After all, you are about to leave behind everything that is familiar to you (no matter how horrible your home is at times). You may never see your family again. Expect to feel besieged by doubts, but remember also that what you are doing is for your own good. The