The Caged Virgin - Ayaan Hirsi Ali [64]
You also need to have faith in others. Be sure to know whom you can trust. Choose someone from outside the congregation, a mature person who looks after his or her own affairs well. This should be someone who helps you to become independent, who can let you know when you are on the right road; someone who genuinely supports you and lays no claims on you; someone who won’t mind if you make a mistake. The world outside is not a big, bad world. Do not mistrust everyone, but do be critical and cautious.
3. Friends
It is vital that you make friends before you abandon your family. You will not survive without friends. Establish new friendships well in advance of your departure—close friendships with people you can trust. You are starting out on a new life, and meeting new people is an important part of the experience. Of course, there will be relatives, or other fellow Muslims, who will understand your situation and pretend to be supportive, but the chances are that they will not really try to help you. These people are part of the community and tell each other everything. If one of them shows you understanding and support, it is still possible that that person will give away something in an unguarded moment. And it is not fair to burden someone with conflicting loyalties. Before you know it, your plans to leave will become common knowledge. So be vigilant. I am not saying that you cannot have any Muslim friends, but do not confide your plan to any of them. You simply cannot afford to take the risk. The consequences could be too damaging for you.
Friendship means reciprocity. Invest in your friends. Let them know that they can trust you too, that you will be there for them if they need you. Your new friends will often have different opinions about women than your family’s and community’s, and they may not understand you at first. Explain to them what guilt and shame mean in your family and community. Learn to be honest: you are allowed to admit mistakes; you don’t have to lie about friends, dates, et cetera.
4. Address
When you leave home you will need somewhere to live. As a student or housewife, you have little disposable income. You may never have had an income in your own name. In addition, you will need to avoid any areas where people might recognize you, people who could pass on information to your parents or other relatives. Because you have little money and need to take extra safety precautions, your choice of places to live is limited. Do not hesitate to ask friends and the people you trust to help you.
University cities and towns are an attractive option because you can find cheap, safe housing there. Student accommodation tends to be accepted and common and the rent is relatively low. The only disadvantage is that you have to be registered as a student before you can move into such accommodation. In some student houses potential candidates competing for a vacant room are required to come for a “preliminary visit” in order to be approved by the rest of the occupants. Obviously, you can be unlucky and not get their approval.
If you are not a student, or have picked a university town with a shortage of student accommodations, you have other possibilities. There are couples or people who live alone, who are keen to let a room cheaply to single people with little money, preferably women. Often they are looking for someone on a short-term basis because their own children have left home or they have lost a partner. In these houses you will have to obey the landlord’s rules, but you can discuss in advance the kind of privacy you will need and make your boundaries clear. Some cities, like Amsterdam, have cheap housing to rent in areas that are safe for you. These houses or apartments are reserved, on a charitable basis, for specific groups with low incomes, such as artists and musicians.
Once you have managed to find a room or apartment, make sure you move in promptly. Figure out in advance your schedule