The Deeper Meaning of Liff - Douglas Adams [28]
Totteridge (TOT-er-idj) n.
The ridiculous two-inch hunch that people adopt when arriving late for the theater in the vain hope that it will minimize either the embarrassment or the lack of visibility for the rest of the audience.
Trantlemore (TRANT-ul-mor) vb.
To make a noise like a train crossing a set of points.
Trewoofe (tre-WOOF) n.
A very thick and heavy drift of snow balanced precariously on the edge of a door porch, waiting for what it judges to be the correct moment to fall. From the ancient Greek legend “The Trewoofe of Damocles.”
Trispen (TRIS-pen) n.
A form of intelligent grass. It grows a single, tough stalk and makes its home on lawns. When it sees the lawnmower coming it lies down and pops up again after it has gone by.
Trossachs (TROSS-akhs) pl. n.
The useless epaulettes on an expensive raincoat.
Trunch (TRUNCH) n.
Instinctive resentment of people younger than you.
Tuamgraney (TOO-am GRAY-nee) n.
A hideous wooden ornament that people hang over the mantelpiece to prove they’ve been to Africa.
Tukituki (TOO-kee TOO-kee) n.
A sexual liaison that is meant to be secret but that is in fact common knowledge.
Tullynessle (TULL-i-nes-ul) n.
An honest attempt to track down a clitoris.
Tulsa (TUL-sah) n.
A slurp of beer that has accidentally gone down your shirt collar.
Tumby (TUM-bee) n.
The involuntary abdominal gurgling which fills the silence following someone else’s intimate personal revelation.
Tweedsmuir (TWEEDZ-mewr) collective n.
The name given to the extensive collection of hats kept in the downstairs lavatory which don’t fit anyone in the family.
Twomileborris (TOO-mighl BOR-is) n.
A popular East European outdoor game in which the first person to reach the front of the meat queue wins, and the losers have to forfeit their bath plugs.
U
Udine (YEW-dine) adj.
Not susceptible to charm.
Ugglebarnby (UG-ul BARN-bee) n.
The ponytail affected by a middle-aged balding man.
Ullapool (UL-a-pool) n.
The spittle that builds up on the floor of the orchestra pit of the Metropolitan Opera House.
Ullingswick (UL-ing-zwik) n.
An overdeveloped epiglottis found in middle-aged coloraturas.
Ulting (UL-ting) ptcpl. vb.
Clicking the jaw to unpop the ears.
Umberleigh (UM-ber-lee) n.
The awful moment that follows a dorchester (q.v.) when a speaker weighs whether to repeat an amusing remark after nobody laughed the last time. To be “on the horns of an umberleigh” is to wonder whether people didn’t hear the remark, or whether they did hear it and just didn’t think it was funny, which was why somebody coughed.
Upottery (up-OTT-er-ee) n.
That part of a kitchen cupboard that contains an unnecessarily large number of milk jugs.
Urchfont (ERCH-font) n.
Sudden stab of hypocrisy that goes through the mind when taking vows as a godparent.
Uttoxeter (yew-TOK-sit-er) n.
A small but immensely complex mechanical device that is essentially the “brain” of a modern coffee machine, and that enables the machine to make its own decisions.
V
Valletta (va-LET-er) n.
An ornate headdress or loose garment worn by a person in the belief that it renders him invisibly native and not like a tourist at all. People who don huge conical straw coolie hats with “I luv Lagos” on them in Nigeria, or fat solicitors on holiday in Malaya who insist on appearing in the hotel lobby wearing a sarong, know what we are talking about.
Vancouver (van-KOO-ver) n.
The technical name for one of those huge trucks with whirling brushes on the bottom used to clean streets.
Ventnor (VENT-ner) n.
One who, having been visited as a child by a mysterious gypsy lady, is gifted with the strange power of being able to operate the air nozzles above airplane seats.
Vidlin (VID-lin) n.
The moistly frayed end of a piece of cotton thread. “It is easier for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven than it is for a vidlin to pass through the eye of a needle.”
Visby (VIZ-bee) n.
The pointy, tentlike structure in the bedclothes with which a man indicates to his partner that he thinks