The Definitive Book of Body Language - Barbara Pease [84]
The Starter's Position
Readiness gestures that signal a desire to conclude a meeting include leaning forward with both hands on both knees, or leaning forward with both hands gripping the chair as if they were at the start of a race. If either of these occur during a conversation, it would be wise for you to take the lead and resell, change direction, or terminate the conversation.
On your marks, get set: in the starting blocks— readiness to end an encounter or a conversation
Summary
The body-language signals covered in this chapter are fairly easy to observe because most involve big gestures. Not only is it important to understand the significance of these signals, it's vital to good communication that you eliminate any negative gestures from your own repertoire and practice using the things that will give you positive results.
Chapter 12
MIRRORING—HOW WE
BUILD RAPPORT
They all look the same, dress the same way, use the same facial expressions
and body language, but each will tell you he's “doing his own thing”
When we meet others for the first time, we need to assess quickly whether they are positive or negative toward us, just as most other animals do for survival reasons. We do this by scanning the other person's body to see if they will move or gesture the same way we do in what is known as “mirroring.” We mirror each other's body language as a way of bonding, being accepted and creating rapport, but we are usually oblivious to the fact that we are doing it. In ancient times, mirroring was also a social device that helped our ancestors fit in successfully with larger groups; it is also a leftover from a primitive method of learning that involved imitation.
One of the most noticeable forms of mirroring is yawning— one person starts and it sets everyone off. Robert Provine found that yawning is so contagious you don't even need to see another person yawn—the sight of a wide-open mouth is enough to do it. It was once thought that the purpose of yawning was to oxygenate the body but we now know that it's a form of mirroring that serves to create rapport with others and to avoid aggression—just as it also does for monkeys and chimps.
Wearing the same outfit as another woman
is a mirroring no-no. But if two men show up
at a party wearing the same outfit, they
could become lifelong friends.
Nonverbally, mirroring says, “Look at me; I'm the same as you. I feel the same way and share the same attitudes.” This is why people at a rock concert will all jump to their feet and applaud simultaneously or give a “Mexican Wave” together. The synchronicity of the crowd promotes a secure feeling in the participants. Similarly, people in an angry mob will mirror aggressive attitudes and this explains why many usually calm people can lose their cool in this situation.
The urge to mirror is also the basis on which a queue works. In a queue, people willingly cooperate with people they have never met and will never see again, obeying an unwritten set of behavioral rules while waiting for a bus, at an art gallery, in a bank or side by side in war. Professor Joseph Heinrich from the University of Michigan found that the urges to mirror others are hardwired into the brain because cooperation leads to more food, better health, and economic growth for communities. It also offers an explanation as to why societies that are highly disciplined in mirroring, such as the British, Germans, and ancient Romans, successfully dominated the world for many years.
Learning to mirror our parents begins early: Prince Philip and a young Prince Charles