The Dog Behavior Answer Book - Arden Moore [91]
If parents don’t show their sadness or grief, it sends a message to children that grief is wrong. Most psychologists and therapists agree that it is appropriate for parents to tell their children when they are feeling sad because they are missing their dog who died. Equally important is to tell your children that you love them and that you are open to talking about a deceased family pet.
According to Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, most people go through five steps of grief. These steps can apply to the loss of a family member or friend as well as a beloved pet. Here are the five stages.
DENIAL/SHOCK. “My dog is too young to die.”
ANGER. “How dare my sweet dog be taken from me?”
BARGAINING. “Dear God, I will go to church more often if you bring my pet back to me.”
DEPRESSION. “What’s the point in eating or having fun anymore?”
ACCEPTANCE. “I miss my dog terribly, but I now know that he is no longer in pain.”
Keep in mind it may take your children days, weeks, or even months to go through these stages. Recognize that not everyone experiences each of these steps or goes through them in a linear fashion. When grieving, be honest and avoid using euphemisms. Use the word died rather than put to sleep, particularly with children younger than 12. Otherwise, a child needing an operation in the future, for example, may hear the doctor say he’ll be put to sleep for the procedure and become unduly frightened. In addition, avoid saying that God loved your dog so much that he brought him to heaven. Your child may wonder why God doesn’t love him enough to bring him to heaven, too, or may become fearful that perhaps God does indeed love him enough to take him away.
Depending on a child’s age and level of maturity, therapists offer these general guidelines to help parents discuss family pets’ dying.
UNDER AGE 2. Babies and toddlers may sense the dog’s death, based on feeling the stress and emotions expressed by other family members, but are unlikely to feel directly affected.
BETWEEN AGES 2 AND 5. Young children may be sad because they miss the family dog as a play pal. They have trouble realizing that death is permanent and may respond to the heightened stress in the family by thumb sucking, tantrums, and other problematic behaviors.
BETWEEN AGES 5 AND 9. Children start to recognize that death is permanent but may fantasize that death can be defied. At these ages, some children may harbor resentment for having to feed or care for the family dog and may secretly wish at times the dog would die. If the dog gets hit by a car and does die, these children may be filled with guilt. It’s important for parents to let them know that accidents happen and they didn’t cause the death.
AGES 10 AND OLDER. Children understand that living things eventually die, but some may have difficulty accepting that death is permanent. They may express anger or guilt at losing their pet, or become curious about death.
Here are some ways that you might help Kelly deal with her grief. Conduct a ceremony or memorial service at home. The greatest way to honor a dog’s memory is to learn how you became a better person for having them in your life. Do this by acknowledging the ways in which your dog helped you grow and learn.
Spend some time with Kelly recalling happy, silly, fond memories of life with Jelly. Encourage her to write a letter or poem to and from Jelly. Putting words down on paper can sometimes ease grief. If you have time to think about this before the dog’s death, you can purchase a kit that allows you to make clay impressions of your dog’s paw print as a memento. Kelly could also make a special picture frame for a favorite photo.
Encourage Kelly to reach out to friends and other family members who can listen and recognize how sad she feels about Jelly’s death. I also recommend calling a pet-loss hotline, available at most veterinary schools, or check with your local churches or veterinary clinics for pet-loss help referrals. Gently remind Kelly and yourself that Jelly isn’t in pain any more.