The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [2]
How much fur can you get from a skunk?
As fur as you possibly can!
How do you spell mousetrap with only three letters?
C-A-T
Mona: What kind of pet can you stand on?
Sam: A car-pet.
Mona: What kind of pet makes the loudest noise?
Sam: A trum-pet.
Mona: What kind of pet can help you write letters?
Sam: The alpha-pet.
Alex: Why is that dachshund sitting in the sun?
Amy: Because his owners like hot dogs.
Do you know how to raise rabbits?
Yes, by the scruff of their necks.
Sam: Wow! It's raining cats and dogs.
Mona: How can you tell?
Sam: I just stepped in a poodle.
Sam: Have you ever seen a fish bowl?
Mona: Sure, lots of times.
Sam: How do they get their fins into those little holes?
Father Kangaroo: Why are you scratching?
Mother Kangaroo: The kids are eating crackers in bed again.
Sam: Can you name four members of the cat family?
Mona: Papa Cat, Mama Cat, and two kittens.
Mona: How did the pig write his name?
Sam: He used an oink-pen.
What did the leopard say after dinner?
“That hit just the right spots.”
Sam: Hey! Your dog bit my ankle.
Mona: Sorry, but that's as high as he can reach.
Mona: How do you keep a wild elephant from charging?
Sam: Take away his credit card.
Why Oh Why?
Pick up words as the chicken walks from START to END. Write each word down in the order in which the chicken finds them, and you'll end up with the answer to this riddle:
Why does a flamingo stand up on one leg?
Because if he pulled the other one up he'd fall over.
Mona: My pony sounds funny.
Sam: That's because he's a little hoarse.
“He who laughs, lasts.”
— Leo Rosten
Mona: Why do hummingbirds hum?
Sam: They don't know the words.
What did the little kid say when he saw the peacock?
“Look, Ma, the chicken's in bloom!”
Sam: I haven't seen your pet chicken lately.
Mona: Well, this week she's been laying low.
Words to Know
Punch line: the part of the joke that gets the laugh
The animal doctor is always busy as a bee!
Take a gander at a few of his patients:
The leopard is seeing spots,
The kangaroo is feeling jumpy,
The goldfish is flushed,
The chameleon is looking green,
The woodpecker caught a bug,
The baby duckling has been getting a little down lately,
And the bullfrog is afraid he's going to croak!
CRAZY COLORS (OR HUE MUST BE NUTS!)
What color is a marriage?
Wed.
What color is an echo?
YELL-oohhhhhhh!
What color is a ghost?
Boo
What color is the wind?
Blew.
What color is a baby ghost?
Baby boo.
What color is a kitten's meow?
Purr-ple.
What color is a soccer score?
Goaled!
What color is a police investigation?
Copper.
What color is a witch's potion?
Bracken brew.
COMPUTER WONKS
Why did the computer geek sell his cat?
He was afraid it would eat his mouse.
How do you contact Hercules by computer?
Send him he-mail.
What has a video screen, a keyboard, six legs, and plugs into the wall?
A computer bug.
What do computer geeks eat for dessert?
Apple pie a la modem.
Did you hear about the geek who almost drowned?
He was surfing the Web and got bumped off.
Jokin' Around
Totally Buggy
Computer Viruses to Watch Out For:
The Disney Virus
The screen starts acting Goofy.
The Titanic Virus
Everything goes down.
The Diet Virus
The computer quits after just one byte.
The Las Vegas Virus
Users have to turn in their chips.
The Divorce Virus
Your motherboard stops talking to your data.
Nerd: Why is my computer screen all wet?
Dweeb: I was trying to send e-mail, but the stamps kept sliding off!
Did you hear about the guy who flunked technical college?
He can only operate nincomputers.
Nerd: How many bytes are in your software program?
Dweeb: I'll let you know as soon as I've finished eating it.
Mother: Having trouble with your computer, son?
Karl: My PC says it can't see my printer.
Mother: I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is!
Nerd: Do you have a cursor on your computer?
Dweeb: I'll say! You should just hear the words my dad uses when the computer goes down!
Nerd: What's wrong with your keyboard?