The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [3]
Dweeb: Myspacebarseemstobestuck.
You heard about the computer scientist who spends half his time directing the town's orchestra?
He's a semi-conductor.
“Of course I know how to copy disks … Where's the Xerox machine?”
If at first you don't succeed … call it version 1.0.
What was the world's first computer?
An Apple. Eve gave one to Adam.
What are the three main parts of a printer?
The power cord, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking light.
“My computer is almost human.”
“What do you mean?”
“When it makes a mistake, it blames it on another computer.”
I had a rotten day at work today. My computer broke down and I had to think all day long.
TOM AND TINA SWIFTIES
“Look at the cute pony,” said Tina a little hoarsely.
“I can't remember what groceries I need,” said Tom listlessly.
“Is it time to turn the pancakes?” asked Tina flippantly.
“Look at that scroungy old dog,” Tom muttered.
“Who cut the cheese?” asked Tina sharply.
“I'd gladly give you a thousand dollars,” said Tom grandly.
“My pet bird is sick,” said Tina illegally.
“Let's set up camp,” said Tom intently.
“I'll make the fire,” Tina bellowed.
“I got the lowest grade in my cooking class,” said Tom degradedly.
“We're all out of pumpernickel bread,” said Tina wryly.
“Why can't we go bowling?” Tom bawled.
“I finished taking my shower,” said Tina dryly.
“Give me another strawberry cake,” Tom retorted.
“These oysters are all mine!” said Tina shellfishly.
“Keep them! I prefer other seafood,” said Tom crabbily.
“I love arithmetic,” Tina added.
“And I love correcting my mistakes,” Tom remarked.
“That's my gold mine,” Tina claimed.
“But it used to be mine!” Tom exclaimed.
DIDJA HEAR?
Didja hear about the police officer who arrested the young cat?
He saw the kitty litter.
Didja hear about the baby girl who wanted to play basketball?
She had trouble dribbling.
Didja hear about the taxicab driver who lost his job?
He was driving away all his customers.
Didja hear about the pet shop owner who couldn't get sell his porcupine?
He was stuck with it.
Didja hear about the cannibal who ate his mother's sister?
He was an aunt-eater.
Didja hear about the woman who'd buy anything that was marked down?
She came home with an elevator.
Didja hear about the sailor who was kicked off the submarine?
He liked sleeping with the windows open.
Picto-Laugh #1
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about something itsy-bitsy!
Say What?
Figure out where to put each of the scrambled letters. They all fit in spaces under their own columns. When you fill in the grid, you will have the answer to the following riddle: Didja hear about the piano tuner who was arrested at the aquarium?
Didja hear about the piano tuner who was arrested at the aquarium?
Didja hear about the rubber man from the circus who was killed in an auto wreck?
He died in his own arms.
Didja hear about the lady who stopped feeding the pigeons?
The birds revolted and formed a coo.
Didja hear about the kitten that loves to play with a piece of string?
After a while he has a ball.
LARRY AND LUNA
Luna: My poor cat doesn't have a nose!
Larry: How does she smell?
Luna: Terrible!
Luna: I must be sick. I'm seeing spots.
Larry: Have you seen a doctor?
Luna: No, just spots.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies.”
— E. B. White
Luna: Why is it better to buy a thermometer in the winter?
Larry: Because in summer they go up!
Luna: My candy bar is missing.
Larry: That's too bad, because it tasted delicious.
Luna: What's the last thing you take off before you go to bed?
Larry: My feet off the floor.
Larry: How many feet are in a yard?
Luna: That depends on how many people are standing in it.
Luna: How many seconds are in a year?
Larry: Twelve.
Luna: Only twelve! Are you sure?
Larry: Yeah, the second of January, the second of February …
Luna: I can tell the future.
Larry: Really?
Luna: Yes. I can tell you what the score