The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [4]
Larry: What is it?
Luna: Nothing to nothing.
Larry: What's the best thing to put in a pie?
Luna: Your teeth!
Luna: Do you know how long the world's longest nose was?
Larry: Eleven inches.
Luna: That's not very long.
Larry: If it was any longer it would be a foot.
“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”
— e.e. cummings
Larry: Did I tell you my mom's been in the hospital for years?
Luna: Wow! She must really be sick.
Larry: Nah, she's a doctor.
Luna: I just got back from the beauty shop.
Larry: It was closed, huh?
Larry: There's something wrong with that pizza I ate.
Luna: How do you know?
Larry: Inside information.
Larry: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Luna: Plug his nose!
Luna: Is there any tapioca pudding on the menu?
Waiter: There was, but I wiped it off.
Larry: Why are you scratching yourself?
Luna: Because I'm the only person who knows where it itches.
Larry: What did you think of the Grand Canyon?
Luna: It was just gorges!
Luna: Who was that on the phone?
Larry: Some joker. He said, “It's long-distance from Japan,” and I said, “It sure is!” and hung up.
Larry: Boy! My diet must be working.
Luna: Why do you say that?
Larry: I can finally see the numbers on the bathroom scale.
Larry: I'm on a new diet. I only eat food that swims.
Luna: That sounds great! Fish is very healthy for you.
Larry: Yuck, forget fish! Do you realize how much trouble I'm having teaching a cow to dog-paddle?
Larry: Do you believe in astrology?
Luna: No, it's just a lot of Taurus.
SCHOOL JOKES
Alex: Teacher! Teacher! Jimmy just swallowed four quarters!
Teacher: Now, why would he do that?
Alex: It's his lunch money.
Alex: Teacher! Teacher! Now, Jimmy swallowed all his pennies. And it's your fault!
Teacher: Why is it my fault?
Alex: You told him he needed more sense.
Teacher: You need to study harder, Alex. Why, when I was your age, I could recite all the presidents' names by heart.
Amy: Yeah, but there were only two or three back then.
FUN FACT
BOGGLE BOX
In his bestselling book, The BFG (Big Friendly Giant), author Roald Dahl's giant hero has his own name for everything. For instance, a school is called a “boggle box.”
If you've ever been to school — and who hasn't? — you'll know that the name fits!
Teacher: Where are all the kings and queens of England crowned?
Amy: On the tops of their heads.
Teacher: Give me a sentence using the word “gladiator.”
Alex: The lion ate my bossy Aunt Mimi, and I'm glad he ate her!
Teacher: Correct this sentence: “Aliens is in the classroom.”
Alex: Forget the sentence, Teach! Run for your life!
Teacher: Tell me how you'd use the word “rhythm” in a sentence.
Alex: My older brother is going to the movies, and I want to go rhythm.
Teacher: Where can you find the Red Sea?
Amy: Usually on my report card.
Teacher: Let's do a simple math lesson. How many fingers do you have?
Alex: Ten.
Teacher: And if three fingers were taken away, what would you have?
Alex: I would have to give up my saxophone lessons!
Teacher: Name a creature that is very good at catching flies.
Amy: A baseball player in left field.
Teacher: Can you use the word “fascinate” in a sentence?
Alex: Yeah. My jacket has ten buttons, but I can only fasten eight.
Teacher: Can anyone tell me what a myth is?
Amy: A female moth.
Mother: Explain this “D” on your test, dear.
Amy: I'm having trouble with my Is.
Mother: You need new glasses?
Amy: No, I can't spell “Mississippi”!
Teacher: Did you wake up grouchy this morning, young man?
Alex: No, Dad and I let her sleep.
Teacher: Who was Joan of Arc?
Alex: Noah's wife.
Alex: Why are kindergarten teachers so optimistic?
Amy: Cuz every day they try to make the little things count.
Teacher: How did you get so messy?
Amy: I had an inkling of what I wanted to write my report about. So I grabbed a pen and paper.
Teacher: And then?
Amy: Then my pen had an inkling all over my shirt!Teacher: Tell me the name of the Prince of Wales.
Amy: Orca.
Mother: I don't