The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [5]
Teacher: Neither do I, ma'am. But it's the lowest score I can give!
Teacher: Use the word “paradox” in a sentence.
Alex: The hunter shot a paradox flying over the lake.
Mother: Your teacher tells me you're at the bottom of the class.
Angie: Yeah, but they teach the same thing at both ends.
Teacher: Why were you late to school?
Amy: There are eight in my family, Teach, but the clock was only set for seven.
Mother: Why don't you like your new teacher, honey?
Amy: Because she told me to sit in the front row for the present. And then she never gave me any present!
Mother: Why did you have to stay after school today, Alex?
Alex: I flunked the test. I didn't know where the Appalachians were.
Mother: Well, next time remember where you put things, dear.
Teacher: That makes five times I've had to punish you this week, Darren. What do you have to say for yourself?
Darren: I'm glad it's Friday!
Alex: Would you yell at me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Certainly not.
Alex: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
QUICKIES
One microbe ran into another microbe while swimming through a bloodstream.
“You don't look so hot,” said the first microbe.
“I feel terrible,” said the second microbe. “I think I'm coming down with penicillin.”
If we breathe oxygen during the day, what do we breathe at night?
Nitrogen.
“I think the cuckoo in my cuckoo clock is tired.”
“That's silly!”
“No, it's not. You'd be tired too if you'd been running all night.”
What's the hardest thing about falling out of bed?
The floor.
Sounds Funny To Me
Match each funny sound riddle to the correct picture punchline.
What goes “Z-Z-U-B, Z-Z-U-B, Z-Z-U-B”?
What goes “HOE, HOE, HOE”?
What goes “ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ — sluuuuurp”?
What goes “HA, HA, HA — thump”?
What goes “99 thump, 99 thump, 99 thump”?
What goes “tick-WOOF, tick-WOOF, tick-WOOF”?
What did the princess say while she waited for her photos to come back from the store?
“Some day my prints will come!”
Terry: Why is the Mississippi River so rich?
Nick: Because it has two banks and it makes deposits all day long.
Why are you taking that hammer to bed?
So I can get up at the crack of dawn!
What do you get for the man who has everything?
A burglar alarm!
“Long distance? I'd like to place a call to Aberystwyth, Wales.”
“Could you spell that please?”
“If I could spell it, I'd write!”
How do robots celebrate Mother's Day?
They send a dozen red roses to the power company.
Judge: This is the last time I want to see you in my court! Do you realize that for the last twenty years, I've seen you in here at least once a month?
Crook: Sorry, your Honor. But it's not my fault that you haven't been promoted.
Karl: Boy, am I mad at my brother!
Trent: What did he do?
Karl: I let him ride my new bicycle, and I told him to treat it as if it were his own.
Trent: So?
Karl: He sold it.
Molar: Hey, why are you getting all dressed up?
Wisdom Tooth: The dentist is taking me out tonight.
“You're very healthy,” said the doctor. “You should live to be eighty.”
“But, I am eighty!” said the patient.
“See? What did I tell you?”
A young fellow was walking through an unfamiliar part of town late at night. Two muggers jumped out from the shadows and dragged him to the ground. The young guy put up quite a fight, but eventually the two thugs overpowered him.
One of the muggers grabbed the man's wallet, looked inside, and then threw it down in disgust.
“You put up all that fight for just a measly two bucks?” said the mugger.
The fellow answered, “Shucks, no. I was afraid you were gonna find the three hundred dollars I hid in my shoe.”
What's the hottest day of the week?
Fry day.
What's the unhappiest day of the week?
Sadder day.
What's the driest day of the week?
Thirst day.
“Could you fix the volume on my car horn?”
“Is it broken?”
“No, but my brakes are.”
Darren: Every time I have a cup of coffee, I get a sharp pain in my right eye. What should I do, Doctor?
Doctor: Take the spoon of out your cup.