The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [6]
Mother: Jenny, have you finished filling up the salt shakers yet?
Jenny: No, Mom. It's hard pushing the salt through those tiny holes.
Trent: Is there a place where I can catch the 1:30 bus to town?
Danny: That depends on how fast you can run. It left ten minutes ago.
A father saw his son out in the backyard cleaning their homemade swing, a rubber tire hanging by a rope from a tree branch. The son was hosing it down, wiping it off, dusting out the inside. The puzzled father went outside and said, “Son, I thought you were playing on the golf course with your friends this afternoon.” “I was,” replied the boy. “But the golf instructor said I needed to improve my swing.”
Perry: Officer! Somebody stole my car!
Police Officer: Did you see who did it?
Perry: No, but I got the license number.
Two women met at a laundromat. As they talked, the first woman said, “I have five children.” The other woman said, “That sounds nice. I wish I had five children.” “Don't you have any children?” asked the first woman. “Yeah, ten!” said the second.
Jokin' Around
Eye to Eye
Make this statement to a friend:“I can put this sheet of paper down on the floor, and I'll bet we can both stand on it, but you won't be able to touch me.” Your friend will be eager to take such an easy bet. Lay the sheet of paper down in a doorway. Shut the door carefully so that the two ends of the sheet stick out on either side. Voila! You and your friend will be able to stand on the sheet on opposite sides of the door. But neither of you can touch the other person. Bet won!
Tip: This trick works even better with an extra long sheet of paper.
OUTTA THIS WORLD
Why are astronauts always so clean?
Because they take meteor showers.
Which tastes better, a comet or an asteroid?
An asteroid, because it's meteor.
How is a comet like the dog Wishbone?
They're both stars with tails.
What planet goes up in the summer and down in the winter?
Mercury.
Where do astronauts eat?
The lunch-pad.
How do astronauts keep their rockets free from dust?
They drive through the vacuum of outer space.
What is at the center of Jupiter?
The letter “I.”
Why couldn't the astronauts land on the moon?
Because it was full.
Why did the cowboy want to buy a satellite?
So he could watch where he was going when it got dark.
Did you hear about the astronomer who got knocked out?
He's seeing stars.
Where can you see new stars?
In Hollywood.
Astronaut: What's the difference between a Martian burp and a sandstorm?
Astronut: Sandstorms don't glow in the dark.
Alien: I was born on the planet Neptune.
Scientist: That's amazing! Which part?
Alien: All of me.
Astronaut: What are you digging in your pockets for?
Astronut: You said we'd be landing this thing at a meteor, and most parking meteors only take quarters.
Did you hear about the young girl who plans to be an astronaut?
Her teacher says she's taking up space!
Did you hear about the Martian who flew to Earth to buy a brand new car for his family? He told the car salesman, “I want the body green, the wheels green, the interior green, and the windows tinted green.” The salesman said, “No problem.” After the Martian ordered his new car, he made an interplanetary long-distance call to his wife to tell her the good news. “That's terrific, honey,” said his wife. “But what color is it?” “Flesh tones,” said the Martian.
Did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
What's the only Irish constellation?
Orion.
“Sir, do you believe in UFOs?”
“No comet.”
Two Venusians landed in front of a busy stoplight.
The first one said, “She's cute. I saw her first.”
The second one said, “Yeah, but I'm the one she winked at.”
What do astronauts take for a headache?
Space capsules.
“I just got back from the Dog Star.” “Sirius?”
If astronauts are so smart, why do they count backwards?
Scientist: Your mission is to land on the Sun.
Astronaut: Are you nuts? I'll burn up!
Scientist: That's why you're going at night.
Two Martians landed their spacecraft in a quiet stretch of countryside.