The Eyre Affair_ A Novel - Jasper Fforde [471]
Confident that he had turned the discussion, Kaine went on, “As things stand at the moment, over one thousand unwanted puppies and kittens are destroyed each year by lethal injections, which are freely available to veterinarians in Denmark. As committed humanitarians, the Whig Party has always condemned unwanted pet extermination.”
“Mr. Van de Poste?” asked Webastow. “How do you react to Mr. Kaine’s diversionary tactics regarding kitten death?”
“Clearly,” began van de Poste, “kitten and puppy death is regrettable, but we in the Commonsense Party must bring it to everyone’s attention that unwanted pets have to be destroyed in this manner. If people were more responsible with their pets, then this sort of thing wouldn’t happen.”
“Typical of the Commonsense approach!” barked Kaine. “Blaming the population as though they were feeble-minded fools with little personal responsibility! We in the Whig Party would never condone such an accusation and are appalled by Mr. van de Poste’s outburst. I will personally pledge to you now that I will make the puppy-home-deficit problem my primary concern when I am made dictator.”
There were loud cheers at this, and I shook my head sadly.
“Well,” said Webastow happily, “I think I will give Mr. Kaine a full five points for his masterful misdirection, plus a bonus two points for obscuring the Danish issue rather than facing up to it. Mr. van de Poste, I’m sorry that I can only offer you a single point. Not only did you tacitly agree to Mr. Kaine’s outrageous foreign policy, but you answered the unwanted-pet problem with an honest reply. So at the end of round three, Kaine is galloping ahead with seventeen points and van de Poste is bringing up the rear with seven. Our next question comes from Mr. Wedgwood.”
“Yes,” said a very old man in the third row, “I should like to know if the panel supports the Goliath Corporation’s change to a faith-based corporate-management system.”
And so it dragged on for nearly an hour, Kaine making outrageous claims and most of the audience failing to notice or, even worse, care. I was extremely glad when the program drew to a close, with Kaine leading thirty-eight points to van de Poste’s sixteen, and we filed out of the door.
“What now?” asked Joffy.
I took my Jurisfiction TravelBook from my pocket and opened it at the page that offered a paragraph of The Sword of the Zenobians, one of the many unpublished works Jurisfiction used as a prison. All I had to do was grab Kaine’s hand and read.
“I’m going to take Kaine back to the BookWorld with me. He’s far too dangerous to leave out here.”
“I agree,” said Joffy, leading me around to where two large limousines were waiting for the Chancellor. “He’ll want to meet his ‘adoring’ public, so you should have a chance.”
We found the crowd waiting for him and pushed our way to the front. Most of the TV audience had turned up to see Kaine, but probably not for the same purpose as I. There was excited chatter as Kaine appeared. He smiled serenely and walked down the line, shook hands and was presented with flowers and babies to kiss. Close by his side was Colonel Gayle, with a phalanx of guards who stared into the crowd to make sure no one would try anything. Behind them all, I could see Stricknene still clinging onto the red briefcase. I partially hid myself behind a Kaine acolyte waving a Whig Party flag so Kaine didn’t see me. We had crossed swords once before, and he knew what I was capable of, much as I knew what he was capable of—the last time we met, he had tried to have us eaten by the Glatisant, a sort of hell beast from the depths of mankind’s most depraved imagination. If he could conjure up fictional beasts at will, I would have to be more careful.
But then, as the small group moved closer, I started to feel a curious impulse not to trap Kaine but to join in with the infectious enthusiasm. The atmosphere was electric, and being swept along with the crowd was something that just suddenly seemed right. Joffy